I love my wife.  :( 

I've been dreaming a lot recently.  It may have to do with all the movies I have been watching, or the fact that I don't want to be where I'm at, doing what I'm doing.  My dreams are all I have.  I my dreams I can do whatever I want.  I don't have to worry about pissing someone off or saying the right thing at the right time.  I can just be me.  I don't have to be someone else.  One thing I used to pride my self in was the fact that I had no regrets.  That was only because I was young and hadn't made any permenant decisions.  I knew I couldn't stay young forever and I believe I enjoyed it while it lasted. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that this world sucks.  No! That's not it.  I don't know.  I need to...do something.  At this point, nobody really understands me.  At least a few think they do but that is only because they don't know what goes on in my head, and no I will not tell you.  That would be stupid on my part.  If that drives you crazy or whatever that is only your fault for wanting to know. 

I don't know what is eating me.  All I know is that I am hypersensitive to it. 

I will go eat now because it can get expensive not eating when you are "suposed to".

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

This poem is old,

And so are you.

Dorable, Dorable,

Where fore art thou Dorable.

She is my spider
kept in a jar
never to be let out
and ever suffernever must she know
the cold world out there
I'll keep her locked away
in my heart with care
I'll feed and drink her
be there when she needs me
but I'll never let her out
to live life and be free
to be persecuted
misunderstood
the world is against her
in this endless fued

and the day she is ripe
ready for this world
is the saddest day for me
that poor little girl
as she enters it
8 legs and all
to be threatenned
on a mindless call
and I want to be there
to help protect her from it
and I want be there
to help her one bit
with the venom of her fangs
staining her blood
as she's turned against
and it all goes to mud
depressed and distressed
her heart stained black
to live in the shadows
and never come back

she is the black widow spider
eats men and spits them out cold
and I'll never forget her
and how I had her to hold
when she was pure
and I was not
she was the cure
that I had sought
and I'll remember her smile
with fangs glistenning
now with a bitter cold kiss
I am old and listenning
I sit by the door
I too a loner
as I'm left dying
and sit back and remember.
Written by Mitchell Thompson

There once was a man,

who needed a friend,

and only had one right hand.

He beat off his meat,

and then heard a bleet,

Now his best friend is a lamb.

Spank the naughty boy,

Spank the naughty bou,

SPANK THE NAUGHTY BOY!

I wanted to come up with something sweet on my own but I just couldn't think.  Sorry.  I think it may be the frustration from the separation.  Or I'm just a pervert.  Either way, I love you.  Happy Valentines day.

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely stupid.

You wanted a comment.

Now talk nerdy to me. :P

You said that you did but you didn't understand.

Nine days left.

I need to escape.  I need to go to where it is great.  I don't know what why or where but I am in a strange mood today.  I want to be alone...with my friends.  I am shipping out in two weeks and two days.  You would think that I would be enjoying everything to the very last drop.  Savor the precious few moments I have left with my friends before I leave for God knows how long until I see them again.  But guess what.  My "Best Friend" is too busy pitying himself over the past.  What about the present and the future?  Where do they matter?  When they become the past or what?  All I know is I need my friends and one of my friends does too.  He thinks he needs to be alone but I honestly believe he will regret it later. 

By the way.  I have the answer for you.  You may call me cold hearted, emotionless or even apathetic but here it goes.  DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT OR GET OVER IT!!!  I know.  "It's not that easy to get over it." or "Easier said than done." or maybe even "You just don't understand."  But I do.  If it is truly in the past then there is nothing you can do about it.  Just get over it.  If it is not in the past, then there is something you can do.  In that case, go Nike on its ass.  JUST DO IT.  The past is the past.  No matter how long you dwell on it or bitch about it, it will not change.  If you can change it and you don't, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Get it? (your line here) Good!

Now time for me.  I still have some thoughts that I cannot express here.  Thoughts that are only for a strangers eyes.  I guess part of it may be that, strangers will take it as it is.  People who know you will try to make it what they want it to be.  They only hear what they want to hear and if it is not what they want to hear, they either ignore it or try to change it. They used to understand me until they tried to define me.  Now there are things that are so Jon.  "This song is so Jon."  "This movie is so Jon."  "This person is so Jon."  Now all of a sudden when I do something outside of that norm, I'm not being myself.  Of course I am.  I can't be anyone else no matter how hard I try.  I have said before, if I do it, it is me.  Don't expect anything from me.  I will only let you down.  My life is great.  I don't expect much from people.  Sure is was nice when someone was doing my laundry but I don't expect it.  If someone else doesn't do it, I will.  I don't mind.  As a matter of fact I kind of like it. I enjoy and want my independence.  I don't want to depend on anyone else and I don't want anyone to depend of me.  Many people have a hard time swallowing that but it makes perfect sense to me.  If you want it done right, do it yourself.  It isn't that I don't trust anybody.  I just trust me more. 

On to the next one.  The human race is letting us down big time.  Commercials piss me off.  The news is pissing me off.  Politics are pissing me off.  Sure our country is great.  I would be in a real fucked up situation if I thought other wise.  I mean, I am going off to defend it and all.  But would some morals ever hurt anybody?  Seriously.  It almost seems that there is no limit to what people will do. 

Let us see.  Who thinks that it is America's job to police the world?  And even if it is, what the hell is going in Iraq?  Let us see.  New York-see and hear NOTHING!  Then why care so much about what is happening on the other side of the world.  Sure Sadam was kill his own people.  I have an idea.  Let's throw some of our own people in the bon fire.  We have too many right?  Now think about it.  The Middle East is and area of constant "Civil War".  Why the quotes?  Well, there is nothing civil about war in the first place and secondly, it isn't really a civil war.  It is many different tribes killing each other for water and camels.  It has been like that for thousands of years.  Read the bible.  They are a primitive people in a modern world.  Take away the guns and nerve gas and they will hack each other with swords all day.  They are the missing link.  Just let them kill themselves.  They didn't do anything to us.  Let's just create a permitter around them.  No one come out or goes in.  Fuck the oil.  Let them use it to burn each other.  We survived for centuries before it.  We can do it again. 

What about Osama?  He is threatening us.  Oh and North Korea?  They only want to nuke the world.  They don't strap bombs on themselves and kill the people that are shooting at them.  I have an idea.  Let's give them a time out.  Let them sit there and THINK about what they have done.  Then we will talk to them and see if they have learned their lesson.  When will they matter?  When New York is a Microwave?  Let's concentrate more on defending ourselves instead of offending others.  I don't want to talk about this any more.  Maybe one day I will be in a position that I can make a difference.  Until then, you gotta do what you gotta do.

As a matter of fact, I think that is all for now.

Bitchin'

Jonathan

I've been a long time gone and we'll see if I'm back.  A machiato and a hand full of chocolate coffee beans, I'm getting there.  Time for round two.

Ahh.  That hits the spot.  Now the music plays in my ears. 

I don't know what I want to say here.  I want the thoughts I had before.  I cannot come up with the words like I could before.  I need to relax more.  "Life be-gins when you accept your fate." Shattered Faith-Bad Religion.

I wish there was a place where I could go to escape the inferiority that surrounds me.  I am a rather humble person.  I don't like to point out the fact that I am better than others.  I joke about it but I don't like to use my superiority as a weapon to make others feel bad about them selves.  There are a few that sadly enough deserve it.  If they would just shut up all would be well.  I don't really feel like talking about that.  It won't make them any better if I do. 

It isn't coming to me like I wish it would.  I want to write so badly but I don't know what about.  I miss writing just for writing.  Now I seem to need a reason in order to get anything down.  I think I just want to chill.  I close my eyes and I feel alive.  Hm.  Let us see what comes if I just close my eyes and write what comes to me.  I haven't typed in a while and I am wondering what it is coming out like.  I love the coffee shop environment.  At least this one.  It is a place where my annoyances do not congregate.  I was talking to one person about how I like this place and they said it is too sophistocated.  I like that. 

In this world it seems that I am "Striving to be, better than you".  I think that is a good place to be.  I think that is a good attitude to have in life.  It drives everyone to be the best that they can by presenting an endless amount of competition.  I guess it would be a little less controversial to say that everyone should strive to be better than themselves.  The only problem is there is nothing to push you up in that situation.  You can go as fast or slow as you wish.  If you have someone going for number one, you would push yourself harder to get there.  When I am running with otheres, I work harder than I do when I am by my self simply because I have something to work with. 

A new flavor of coffee in the world of Jonathan.  The Vermont with it's rich sweet flavor.  Good but not my favorite.  One less to try before I die. 

This sound is pleasant to the ears right now.  The Clay People vocals are...well...I am feeling it.  I don't know why.  I just like the soothing lul in the roughness of his voice.  I don't know.  I am just writing as it comes to me.  If I force myself to write for no reason, I should start becoming cereative again.  We'll see.  I need a longer head phone chord.  I can't lean back.  Hold on.  Let us see.  Yeah.  That is nice.  That is why they call it a lap top.  It fits nicely right on my lap. 

Okay.  Now he just sounds like a Neil Diamond wanna be.  Oh hell yeah.  I like that now.  Chilling. 

It seems that theEverTalkingBrain has ceased its ever talking.  Most would think that was a good thing, but I think that something in there is still talking.  I just wish it would just let my brain toggle over it for a while.  At least then I would have something to think about to keep me sharp.  I do sleep better now than I used to but I am not so satisfied.  I guess I kind of liked my long sleepless nights.  I miss them and also the even longer days that followed each of them.  I didn't really feel any worse than I do on the days that I get a full night of sleep.  At least then I had something to think about and keep my mind occupied. 

Late night runs.  Dreams and ambitions.  It seems that all I am doing right now is waiting.  I need to get some something.  I am waiting and see no sign of delivery any time soon.  I know it is coming but I don't want to wait.  I like to live in the now.  The only problem is that the now has now future.  I don't want to be like those around me that have no future.  I am making a future for myself at the expense of my now.  Why?  I miss my now. 

I am thinking now.  That makes me happy.

I would say let us go now.  Doesn't matter where or what but I don't have the now to work with.  I put the now in the future.  I guess I have a really good now waiting for me.  But how can I sainly wait for that now to be Now.  If I think too much about the future now, I make it my imaginary now now.  When the real now comes to be the now, it will not fulfil that which I have made it out to be in my mind.  Not that it would be a let down.  Not at all.  It will just be the same as that which I have...

Enough of that now.  I wan't a new conversation with a new face.  If I do that to satisfy my now desire, it may jepronize my future because my future wouldn't understand.  It is just a fresh mind to explore.  Not that the old one is borring.  It just has but one point of view.  It fears me loving another more.  I don't want love.  I want stimulation.  Mental stimulation.  It may or may not be okay but the one would not understand.  Whether she cares or not does not matter.  It is the understanding that will never be there.  There is no all in one.  There is just a one in all.  I found the one but the all is to be left out. 

I think it...Nevermind.  It was about to be time to return to home but Flogging Molly came to brighten my day.  I will return home soon.  I think I got something out.  Man, I am ready for this weekend.  I just hope I get to enjoy it.

Later,

Jonathan

What I've felt,
What I've known.
Sick and tired I stand alone,
Could you be there 'cause I'm the one who waits for you?

My music has come back to me.  That is an amazing thing.  I haven't really missed it and that is the scary part.  My music is me.  It's back and so am I.  My co-workers want to know why I sing so much now.  It is because I am back.  From where?  I don't know, but I am.  Now I am even closing off and talking less.  I like it like that.  I have a bad habit of wearing my mind on my sleeve.  I went over this around Thanksgiving.  I like being mysterious.  I guess that is why I don't want to settle down.  It comes to the point that I am no longer a mystery.  I don't know.  I just need to write it as it comes to me and not go back.  I did that once before.  Then I became empty.  Now I do it again.  Piece by piece I am bringing my self back.  I have missed me.  What has brought me back?  I don't know. 

I can't wait until the Air Force calls me and says, "Hey, can you go tomorrow?"  I am excited.  I'm not giddy or anything, just anxious.  I can't wait for basic training to sculpt my body in to the beauty that it is meant to be in.  I don't think I push myself hard enough.  I guess it is time to, huh?  Well, here is how the process has gone so far. 

I went in in January to talk to the recruiter for the first time.  I was supposed to take him my medical documents for my heart.  I kind of got discouraged by the fact that I may be disqualified for that.  About April I went back.  My heart got cleared.  Next I went off to the MEPS.  I got the physical and took the ASVAB and kicked ass at it.  Since I was such a smart ass mother fucker, they asked me to be a linguist.  Now this job pays more, gives you a two year degree with your tech school, has a sign on bonus of $12,000, and has a chance to go airborne=more money & exciting assignment around the world. But I will not stop there.  I fully intend to finish up a four year degree and go to OTC, and if I have time for it on the side, I might get an Electronic Engineering degree.  That will be just for fun.  If I do that, I am going to have the sweetest VW bus in the world.  Details not to be disclosed for copyright purposes.  :D  Now some of you are wondering why the armed forces when I can go to school and get an awesome job in the civilian world making more money.  I know I did.  The answer is simple.  Housing paid, school paid, and retirement at half pay at age 41.  Consider I am up in the ranks, that could be very nice, considering I am doing nothing.  Oh, and did I forget to mention TRAVEL?  Hell yes. 

WOW!  I haven't spilled my thoughts out like this in a long time.  HOORAY!  Maybe I will start my real writing soon.  I am really considering making a movie or something about my life through the point of view of my mind.  I know that most of you would be thinking, "OMG.  How conceited."  Damn strait.  People already think that I am interesting, and they don't even know half of what is in the mind of genius.  That is right.  It has been said that I am either the smartest dumb person or the dumbest smart person.  I am smart.  I know it and it pisses you off that I can be so frivolous and "stupid" and still know more about everything than yourself.  Sorry but I do believe that I am better than most people on this planet.  I am not the most beautiful man ever but I do believe that I could pull it off as a model or Hollywood star if I wanted to.  I am also smarter that most in so many ways.  Don't believe me?  Try me and see.  Most that do just get frustrated because I am right.  Notice I say most.  I am not perfect.  Just better.  It is possible to get me, especially on a bad day.

Sleep is calling at me.  

Jonathan

My head, my heart, my flesh, my soul.  
All are one but act as four. 
I wish to fly,
I wish to soar.
From this life,
I still want more.

I miss writing.  I don't seem to give my self the time to.  Damn day job.  I like my late nights alone.  I don't have those any more.  I am either asleep or not alone.  It seems that I feel worse when I get the sleep I need.  I miss my late night coffee.  It would turn me into a late night figgity mess of tossing and turning until I turn on my computer and ramble about random shit.  I miss the relife of a full nights sleep after two weeks of no sleep.  It seems that my body takes it's daily nights of sleep for granted.  I want to write.  I want to make some movies.  I never thought I would WANT to write.  I always hated it.  Now I am kicking my self for not doing it.  I have even been told by a few that I am a talented writer.  I am not going to go off and do my usual egotistical boast about it because I have too few sources to justify it.  I know I like my writing when it is what I want it to be.  The only problem is I haven't had the inspiration lately.  I don't know why.  I need to find my inner self again.  I have put too much in this girl.  Not that it is really bad or anything, she is great, and I would do it again.  I just need to leave time for myself.  It is strange.  I want to be with her every day, but I don't want it to always have to be something.  I just want her around.  I know what Joey was talking about when he said that you just want to be around eachother.  Not necessarily doing anything.  Just being.  I want to be able to do stuff with out having to schedule her in.  I just want her around.  I don't think I am adequately describing what I want to say.  If you think I am an asshole for that, you don't get what I am trying to say.  It is a great thing that I want.  Trust me.  I may be on my own with the PB&J film.  I think I can do it though.  I just need some suplies.  I get inspired at the most inconvinient times.  It always happes when I can't act on it.  Mostly work, but also when I am needed.  Again, damn day job.  I need to ask the recuiter a few more questions.  I think I just may do it.  Well, early day tomorrow.  Long day too.  If I don't enlist, I may just go back to the banking industry.  It is easy, set hours, and pays decently. 

Untill I feel like it again,

Jonathan

once again, you are in my subscriptions. cut that out. i just want you around as well. i was thinking that earlier. i just wanted to be there. somewhere there. just like knowing you're there. don't put your life into me though. leave time for jonathan as you did tonight. i don't think you are an asshole. i love you. don't schedule me into anything. if i happen to be there, then i guess i'll be there. i think you can totally do your PB&J film by the way. :) sorry for reading. i just missed you is all. 

The mono informs me I need sleep, but my mind ignores the persistent call.  I can't make any sense of it but it is there.  You can only want something until you have it.  I like wanting.  I like the chase.  I am adicted to the fresh new euphoric love.  Mind you that it is love not sex that I want.  I just like the mystery of it when you don't know about that person.  You are learning about them.  Most people WANT the dependable, "We know eachother inside and out," relationships.  To me it is borring to know what the other person will do. 

I want something.  I am not too sure what it is, but I want it.  More as I figure something out.

Later,

Jonathan

Wow.  I love this band.  I need to get albums.  I love it.  I also need Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters...an many others.  I love it.  Spring.  Makes me want new music.  My collection is as old as our six month fall.  I found some old CDs I took out of my case, but they, though being recently fresh, are still old.  Here is as song I love.  The wow band.  Oingo Boingo.  The last line is a kicker, but I feel the rest of it.

Insanity

I'm so sorry, please forgive me
Who do I pray to to straighten out this problem?
Straighten out this problem, straighten out my mind.
Straighten out this crooked tongue...
My mind has wandered, from the straight and narrow.
My mind has wandered from the flock you see.
My mind has wandered, the man just said so.
My mind has wandered, I heard it on TV.
And the flock has wandered away from me.

-CHORUS-
All around the world now
Like a big bright cherry cloud
Traveling from home to home
TV sets and telephones
Here it comes just like a storm
Bathe in it and be reborn
Time to let the world know
Welcome madness, say hello
Like a wave we cannot see
Washing over you and me
Hiding here and hiding there
Madness hiding everywhere
Such a curiosity
Here it comes to set us free
Plenty left for you and me
Say hello insanity

I am the virus, are you the cure?
I am morally, I'm morally impure
I am a disease and I am unclean
I am not part of God's well oiled machine
Christian nation, assimilate me
Take me in your arms and set me free
I am part of a degenerate elite
Dragging our society into the street
Into the abyss and to the sewer don't you see
The man just told me, he told me on TV

Do you think you're better than me
Do you want to kill me or befriend me

And the alcoholic bastard waved his finger at me
His voice was filled with evangelical glee
Sipping down his gin and tonics
While preaching about the evils of narcotics
And the evils of sex, and the wages of sin
While he mental fondles his next of kin
My mind has wandered from the flock you see
And the flock has wandered away from me
And he waved his hypnotizing finger at me

Let's imitate reality
Let's strive for mediocrity
Let's make believe we're all the same
Let's sanitize our little brains
I'd love to take you home with me and tuck you into bed
I'd love to see what makes you tick inside your pretty head
I'd love to hear you laugh tonight, I'd love to hear you weep
I'd love to listen to you while you're screaming in your sleep

Christian sons, Christian daughters
Lead me along like a lamb to the slaughter
Purify my brain and hose down my soul
White perfection, perfection is my goal

Do you think you're better than me
Do you want to kill me or befriend me

Christian nation, make us alright
Put us through the filter and make us pure and white
My mind has wandered from the flock you see
And the flock has wandered away from me
Let's talk of family values while we sit and watch the slaughter
Hypothetical abortions on imaginary daughters
The white folks think they're on the top ask any proud white male
A million years of evolution, we get Danny Quayle

(chorus)

I'd love to take you home with me, I'd love to tuck you in
I wish I could protect you from the wages of our sin
I'd love to hear you scream tonight, I'd love to hear you cry
Protect you from the madness that is raining from the sky

(chorus)

I'd love to take you home with me and tuck you into bed
I'd love to see what makes you tick inside your pretty head
I wish that I could keep you in a precious Chinese box
On Sundays I would pray for you so it would never stop
I'd love to hear you laugh tonight, I'd love to hear you weep
I'd love to listen to you while you're screaming in your sleep
I'd love to soothe you with my voice and take your hand in mine
I'd love to take you past the stars and out of reach of time
I'd love to see inside your mind, to tear it all apart
To cut you open with a knife and find your sacred heart
I'd love to take your satin dolls and tear them all to shreds
I'd love to mess your pretty hair, I'd love to see you dead.

I want Blood Sex Magik by the Chili Peppers.  Also Anthology by the great Oingo Boingo.  Which by the way happens to be the band that Danny Elfman, the man who does most of Tim Burton's music, came from.  I also hear that he is married to Dharma from Dharma and Greg.  I think her name is Gina Elfman or something.   *too lazy to look it up right now*

I just wish this cough would go away.  Then I could fully enjoy.  I skated some today.  Didn't take long to wear out.  I don't have much strength in my ankles.  I am working on it though. 

Sleeping in an upright position again.  I almost forgot my meds tonight.  Close one.  I should be asleep by now but I had coffee.  What can I say?  It was free.  That is just rude to turn down free stuff.  Someone somewhere worked hard for that.  Oh well. 

Rain is supposed to be coming.  I hope it does so with out the cold.  I want to play in the rain.  I can't wait for all the grass to turn green.  It is much softer to lie on when it is. 

Flaming Lips as well.  Perhaps the Cure too, but definitely Flaming Lips.  I think I might take back some of my PS2 games too. 

I think that may be it for now.  Do you think that caffeine may inspire me?  I mean, I had coffee tonight and bam.  I have been depriving myself from "The Big C" for a while and have also lacked in inspiration.  Who knows.  It is time to at least try to sleep.  Goodnight world of life.

Jonathan

I feel like crap.  Some of it is because I am sick, but I think most of it is because my life is moving in slow motion.  I start my class tomorrow, but I don't know how good that will be.  The class will be an easy A.  I briefly met the professor and she didn't seem like a bitch.  That shouldn't be so bad, but it means at least another eleven weeks in this mundane place.  When I got sick and stayed home for a few days, I felt like I was wasting my time.  I thought this was just because I was not working.  Today I went back to work and realized that I was still wasting time.  I was inside when I should have been outside.  I was working in a fast food restaurant when I should be working somewhere much better.  I was in Lubbock when I should be out seeing the world.  It isn't that Lubbock is that bad.  It is just old.  I am restless.  I need to run.  I guess it is not too late to drop my class.  I have the 20 hours that I was needing.  It would save me about $500.  There is a lot I could do with that.  I think I might.  I got a surprise.  Someone special is here.  I will go now.

Finally,

Jonathan

 I didn't hear you leave I wonder how am I still here And I don't want to move a thing  It might change my memory  [Chorus:] Oh I am what I am  I'll do what I want  But I can't hide I won't go  I won't sleep  I can't breathe  Until you're resting here with me I won't leave  I can't hide  I cannot be  Until you're resting here with me  I don't want to call my friends  They might wake me from this dream And I can't leave this bed Risk forgetting all that's been  [Chorus] 

Sick.  Yuck.  Oh well.  Thought I might write something.  I have had much to say but haven't gotten arround to writing.  Oh well.  Wow.  Twice I said that.  Oh well.

Bye,

Jonathan

Still not writing much.  I have much to say but have not felt like writing lately.  I don't know why.  It's not like anybody even missed it though.  Oh well. 

Jonathan

It's been a few days.  I should really be in bed right now, but I am not.  I suck.  Oh well. 

I think I am desensitized to my own sin.  I had a problem with it earlier.  I don't think it went away.  I think I just began to ignore it.  I need to find out what to do about it.  I may have the what to do about it.  She may be God's way of showing me what to do about it. 

On another note, I did something I haven't done in a few days, and it shows. 

It seems that everywhere you go there are people playing comedies as if they were tragedies.  Lighten up people.  Life isn't that bad.  Look for the humor.  I promise it is there.  You may have to search for a while but once you find it, you know what it looks like.  You will get used to picking out the good in life.=Life is good.

Goodnight cruel world(dramatic sigh and a hand on my forehead as I pass out.)

Jonathan

I want CiCi's Pizza.  Not the best but what I am craving.  Oh well.  I won.  Paladins, Conquistadors and missionaries.  Fun fun.  Well, nap time. 

Bye bye,

Jonathan

I don't feel like writing.  I may make a previous post public.  We'll see. 

Why not.  Here it goes.

There are those who say true love waits.  On the contrary I believe that love waits for none.  In fact, we wait for love.  True love knows when.  Love is like an egg, waiting to hatch.  When it hatches, it breathes a new life.  If it does not hatch in a certain amount of time, the life is not to come.  On the flip side, if the egg hatches too early, it will not be fully developed and will thusly die.  The egg is now in incubation, but is indeed not ready to hatch.  Though I do believe it will not be much longer.  There are many things to do between now and then.  The time is near to wed the sole captor of my heart for true love is here.  It is accompanied with fear for there have been many impersonators of this true love.  They have all been revealed for what they are but not before they caused some damage.  This time it is here.  This is evident by the unveiling of the layers cover it.  Each day another layer removed and with it goes the fear.  The fear is nearly gone now.  The egg is lain.  It is time to sit on it.  It is time for the biggest surprise yet to come. 

It is time to write The Play. 

It will be perfect.  It will be right.  It will be for the world to see and not ask why.  For love declares all these things.  Love declares us. 

My only prayer is that God smiles down upon us as I smile upon her.  For the approval of the Father is what will make it last.  I am sure it will. 

Looking back over it, this looks a little cheesy, but that is what it is all about. 

Well...Bye,

Jonathan

One step I make an imprint Two steps it's commitment Three steps I'm not done yet Draw my other leg up and the pace is set (and the pace is set)  hello hello hello hello hello  Gotta believe in what's real  You gotta go with what you know You can leave here with a good feeling You let them know you told them so  Jesus Christ and Heaven's always been there  Gotta believe in what's real You gotta go with what you know  One step I make an imprint Two steps it's commitment Three steps I'm not done yet Draw my other leg up and the pace is set  hello hello hello hello  Gotta tell you what I feel Although your tank is running low Over the split line for real Pat the hood you're good to go Hear You now, You're cut from the cords of the wicked  You gotta believe in what's real you gotta move on down the road  One step I make an imprint Two steps it's commitment Three steps I'm not done yet Draw my other leg up and the pace is set  One step I make an imprint Two steps it's commitment Three steps I'm not done yet Draw my other leg up and the pace is set...and the pace is set  gotta believe in what's real...ohhh...and the pace is set...  One step I make an IMPRINT Two steps is commitment Three steps I'm not done yet Draw my other leg up and the piece is set  (gotta believe in what's real)  One step I make an IMPRINT Two steps is commitment...I know what I mean...You gotta believe Three steps I'm not done yet Draw my other leg up and the piece is set  One step I make an IMPRINT Two steps is commitment Three steps I'm not done yet Draw my other leg up and the piece is set

Oh my God.  I fucking love her.  I didn't know love could be this great. 

On other news, Junior Mints Inside Outs are great.  The dark chocolate mint is much less harsh than just pure mint.  The white chocolate on the outside just wraps the smoothness for a succulent morsel of delicioso.  Yum.

That's all I got to say about that,

Jonathan

I want to write but I don't know what about.  I am getting better at typing. 

I'm working on joining the Air Force.  I am excited but don't want to get ahead of myself.  I have a minor heart murmur that may disqualify me.  I hope not.  It is minor but tomorrow I need to get the records on that and send them off to the AF medical people.  They will decide if I can join or not.  I hope I can.  It would be so exciting and fun.  SIR YES SIR!!  I need the discipline.  I know what to write.

I wanted to say something about it but I couldn't.  Don't worry.  All is well.  I just feel that it should be known.  Last night I got the urge to take off.  There was a song that said something about getting on a random train to who knows where.  I since whe don't realy have pasenger trains here in Lubbock(sucks), I wanted to go to the air port and ask for a random plane ticket to anywhere.  Meet new people.  Have some fun.  And move on.  Now that I bring it up again I want it again.  I would go alone.  That is why I am not doing it.  I found someone worth all the what ifs.  I feel kind of empty for it, but I know that the moment I look into her eyes, I will be full like you can't imagine.  I think about taking her with me but it is not the same.  I don't know why but there is something tearing at the inside of me.  It isn't because of anything.  I think I may be going through one of my moments. 

I can't wait for this weekend.  It will be so great.  We shall miss one that will not be with us, but he is the one missing out.  Ha Ha Ha!  Evil laugh.  My pillow is calling me. 

Goodnight,

Jonathan

they were very little. did u read them ok? ;)

Have you ever had a secret that you wanted to share with the rest of the world but can't because that would defeat the purpose of the secret.  I have so many secrets and all are legitimate secrets.  All to remain secrets until the time is right.  Sorry but you will like it better this way. 

You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar, if I was to say to you, girl we couldn't get much higher.  Come on baby light my fire.

'Tis all for now,

Jonathan

Things to remember:

Overalls, no shirt, "Let's get hitched."

Moonlight Sonata

more to come.

There are those who say true love waits.  On the contrary I believe that love waits for none.  In fact, we wait for love.  True love knows when.  Love is like an egg, waiting to hatch.  When it hatches, it breates a new life.  If it does not hatch in a certain amount of time, the life is not to come.  On the flip side, if the egg hatches too early, it will not be fully developed and will thus die.  The egg is now in incubation, but is indeed not ready to hatch.  Though I do believe it will not be much longer.  There are many things to do between now and then.  The time is near to wed the sole captor of my heart for true love is here.  It is accompanied with fear for there have been many impersonators of this true love.  They have all been revealed for what they are but not before they caused some damage.  This time it is here.  This is evident by the unveiling of the layers cover it.  Each day another layer removed and with it goes the fear.  The fear is gone now.  The egg is lain.  It is time to sit on it.  It is time for the biggest surprise yet to come. 

It is time to write The Play. 

It will be perfect.  It will be right.  It will be for the world to see and not ask why.  For love declares all these things.  Love declares us. 

My only prayer is that God smiles down upon us as I smile upon her.  For the approval of the Father is what will make it last.  I am sure it will. 

I tell you this in confidence for I need your help in my sneakiest endeavour yet.  I will begin to write the play.  I may need some assistance.  When it comes down to performing it, you will be one of the very few if that will know how it will end.  I trust you can keep it that way. 

I need feedback on this.  Tell me if I am not right in the head.  Tell me if it is too soon as I will believe you.  It would not be the first time I have made a hasty decision.  Only, this is not a decision.  This is a submission to that which is greater than me.  If I must fight back I hope you would help me. 

Lost in the wilderness of love,

Jonathan

Much much much. 

Many thoughts, much of which are fleeting, that I would like to share.  I just don't feel like writing them down.  I am in the strangest mood right now.  It is not so much a mood as a...I do not know what to call it.  I feel like crap but not really.  My head hurts, but the moment I think about it, it stops.  My body aches, my eyes droop, my neck is limp, and I don't know why.  I slept seven hours.  That should have been plenty.  So why was I still so tired.  I could understand getting tired after a few hours.  I was up for over 24 hours.  I know some of you are thinking, "24 hours?  What a pansy."  Me too.  It doesn't take much to throw me off. 

I wonder if it is possible to be hung over from that?

Well, I guess I am now in the writing mood.  Here goes.

Love sucks when you can't experience it to the fullest.  You can have the greatest time any two lovers have ever had in the history of love.  Everything so great.  All is going as it should.  But then...

Friday night, eleven o'clock.  I just got off work.  I call her to talk before retiring my consciousness until the morrow.  As we share words, I decide I am not ready to sleep.  Not without more of her.  We have a dilemma with it being a little late and her having curfew, but the sign out took care of that one.  We go to our Denny's to grab a bite.  They place us on the wrong side.  It is no longer our Denny's.  Too many people, but it doesn't matter because WE are there.  We finish and head to my home to watch a movie or two.  The Notebook.  Such a girly movie but I don't mind.  The comfort of her presence pulls my head to the pillow.  Rest comes easy knowing that she is there, but no such luck with sleep.  In a state of total relaxation we watch the movie.  They dance.  We dance.  Seal it with a kiss.  It is official.  We danced.  Settle back in.  Hold her close.  Our hearts pound for each other almost as if they wished to leap out of our chests into the others hands.  I hold her closer if that was even possible.  I am overwhelmed with this feeling both physical and spiritual.  I retract so that I can stare deep into her eyes.  Those feelings grow exponentially.  I press my lips to hers in hopes to let her know that which I feel for her.  Not even close.  I try again.  Even worse.  But she must know.  I continue to try until, there it is.  The best kiss in the history of kisses.  This was the one to do it if indeed it could be done.  I felt my passion flow from me to her as hers too did to me.  Still justice had not been served to our love, but that would suffice for now.  We have the rest of our lives, no rush.  We share that which most never share until it is time to go. 
The sun waits for none.  One must wait for the sun.  So we do.  A crane takes off.  Ducks fly by.  Geese are honking in the distance.  A cool fog floats over the surface of the water that is shaped by the soft breeze.  As the sun creeps over the edge of the canyon the fog dissipates, the fish stir, and the birds begin to say hello to the new day.  The new day that we welcomed together.  The same day that departed while...we are apart.

All these things are still her but not as they should be.  They cannot yet be.  Time.  Tis all it is.  With every morning new, and every night fall too, time brings us closer, to me&you.

it's 2:24 a.m. do you know where your brain is? i sure don't. :( sleep in splendidly wonderful and yet out of reach.

I'm horny but not for sex.  Oh well.  Here are some song lyrics.

 These days it seems as though, Ive lived a lonely life time because I never had a girl like you to hold me tight. and since you came around and you showed your world to me im beginning to think that ill never be blue again...
now that youre in my life, you are my brightest day when you came you chased my blues away. and you know youre all that i been waiting on
and all the stars i wish upon
and so i said thank you, for being there because you and me are gonna be alright
so thank you for lovin me long, because you and me are gonna be alright
well, anytime or day, you wreck my bed (?), since the words you spoke go round my head and you know youre all that i been waitin for
yeah youre the queen of all my dreams
and so i said thank you for being there because you and me are gonna be alright
im on my knees (on my knees) its days like these (days like these) when all i see (all i see) is you and me
these days it seems as though ive lived a lonely life time because ive never had a girl like you to hold me tight and since you come around and showed your world to me im beginning to think ill never be blue anymore
now that youre in my life you are my brightest day since you came you chased my blues away
and you know youre all that i been waitin on yeah
and all the stars i wish upon
i said thank you oh for being there because you and me will always be alright
so thank you for loving me like you did before cause you and me are gonna be alright

Here I am.  All alone.  I know this is how it should be, but this is not how I want it to be.  I want you by my side.  Just lying there looking at me.  I catch a glimpse of your eyes before my own close for the night.  My soul rests easy knowing that you are there.  I cannot see you but I know I can reach out and touch you if I so desire.  It would feel so good; it would feel so right. 

But instead, you are there.  So far away.  I know you are there.  I am not worried.  I know that you are mine as much as I am yours, and I AM yours.  So why do I obsess as I do?  Why do I fight when you try to go?  I know it is only temporary.  Why is it that I want everything NOW?  I know we will have the rest of our lives to be together, but I have this infinite amount of love fuelling my lust for this precious girl.  I never thought the two went together.  I always thought they were contradicting forces.  My lust was always contrary to my love.  I could never feel both at the same time.  Now I do, and one obviously overpowers the other.  I have desires, but to just look into the black holes in her eyes.  They just suck me in.  Into a depth of such that just to drown would be a breath of fresh air.  A depth that all else is not.  I am crushing under the pressure.  Not the pressure of any other.  The pressure I speak of comes from within my own self.  A heart that is so densely filled with love that the gravity is pulling me in.  As horrible as it may sound, I do not mind.  I actually like it.  She is more than worth it.  That is not the problem.  The problem is not my warm heart.  That part is right.  One of my theatre teachers would say, "Keep a cool head and a warm heart."  It is my head that is not where it should be.  I want so badly to just follow my heart.  Even at this very moment she says she will take me away from all that holds me back.  I get this feeling.  A physical feeling that pulses from where my heart rests in my chest.  With this I can only explain why love is from the heart.  I don't know why it does, but it does. 

My problem lies in me not paying any attention to what I know.  I know we cannot be as we want.  That will come in time.  But my heart doesn't like it.  It leaves me stomping my foot and whining like a little child.  "I WANT!"  No matter how much I try to reason, there is no reasoning with an unreasonable being.  I don't know if she thinks it is cute or annoying.  I don't care.  I don't like it.  If you tell me you like it, I will have an excuse to keep doing it.  I don't want to do that.  I don't know what I want.  Yes I do.  I want you.  But only as it can be.  I don't want to get ahead of myself.  I am happy where we are.  It is a little frustrating, but there is the promise of tomorrow from now until forever is satisfied.  The best thing I can do for my heart is sleep.  That is the quickest way for tomorrow and all its promises to come.  He doesn't understand.  He doesn't understand.

In Blissful Torment,

Jonathan

Now here is a song that I have been looking for.  This is a song that made me think of her while she was thinking not for me.  Yes I am trying to make her feel guilty, but considering the situation, she deserves it.  I don't hold a gruge.  I am happy for the outcome but the fact of the happening will not go away.  Now I sit waiting for her, and the song still makes me think of her. 

"I will follow you into the dark"

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Now, I have an ex that I talked to today for the first time in a long time.  It is funny.  She agrees that our relationship wasn't a relationship.  Now she has moved on and so have I.  But, she speaks to me as if she still blames me for us not working even though she has said that there was nothing to our relationship.  She says that I need a real life.  As far as I can tell, if I don't settle with some stupid bimbo, I won't have a real life.  She also thinks I am incapable of love.  Just because there is one person in the world that you don't want to marry, does that make you incapable of love?  I don't think so.  She says I won't stay in the relationship I am in because I will not settle.  Well, she was right about one thing.  I will not settle.  I don't have to settle.  She is that fucking awesome.  Gotta love it.  All I have to say to the stupid little girl is...actualy, I do not flatter her with a remark.  Ha ha.  I am happy and that makes me happy.  I can't wait for the future, but I am in no hurry.  The now is pretty nice.

Laters,

Jonathan

I'm not too sure what to think about this.  What do you think peoples?

"I Feel Like Making Love" by Bad Company

Baby, when I think about you I think about love Darling, gonna live without you And your love  If I had those Golden dreams of my yesterday I would wrap you in the heavens Feel it dying, dying Dying all the way  (CHORUS) Feel like making Feel like making love Feel like making love Feel like making love Feel like makin love to you  Baby, if I think about you I think about love Darling, if I live without you I live without love  And if I had the sun and moon We will shine them I would give you Both night and day Love satisfying  (CHORUS)  And if I had those Golden dreams of my yesterday I would wrap you in the heaven Feel it dying, dying Dying all the way  (CHORUS)  Well, I feel like making love Well, I feel like making love Well, I feel like making love, woo Feel like making love to you  Well, I feel like making love Well, I feel like making love Well, I feel like making love Feel like making love to you  Well, I feel like making love, woo Well, I feel like making love Well, I feel like making love, yeah Feel like making love to you

Now for the rest of it.  I have much to say that I will not for a few reasons.  One, you probably don't care.  Two, it is none of your damn business.  Three, it is fun to keep it to myself.  Yes, here's a mystery for you.  No not you.  You.  No.  To the left.  Yeah, you.  The rest of you can fuck off for all I care.  Not in a bad way.  I mean for you to fuck off in the most pleasant, fun loving kind of way possible.  I guess if you don't want to fuck off you don't have to, but I just wanted to see what kinds of creative ways you could figure out to where you might enjoy it.  I am not to sure how I got there, or even where I was going but here goes.

It feels so right.  I don't even have to try.  It just happens like it is what should happen.  It is like a lake.  A real one. Not one of those made by a damn(oops, well you know).  No one has to do anything for it to happen.  It just does.  I don't think about, Oh, I'm hosting a guest.  I should offer a drink.  I just ask.  She still doesn't come before Monty Python and the Holy Grail but let us not be ridiculous.  I am a mortal man.  OH!  And she liked it.  She didn't just watch it because I like it.  She enjoyed it.  And she understood it.  One more of many on the long list I call love.  She made a funny, "I love you.  I love you too."  She gets it.  I like that.  We have something.  We will have many more things.  That has never happened before. 

You know, worship is a form of love.  Worshiping God is loving God.  Worship songs are love songs to God.  A real love song can be a worship song.  I think I worship her.  That normally gets me in trouble with The Big Man Upstairs, but I think it is in a healthy proportion this time.  Anyway, as David Huff says, "No eternity, won't be long enough for me." 

I feel no guilt in her.  I feel no fault in us.  I just feel and it is nice to just do that without worry.  With all that has happened so far, what could possibly tear us apart?  WOW!  How much can happen in twenty-four hours?  A hell of a lot.  This last month or so has been a fucking roller coaster.  I has scared the shit out of me, but my hands are up and I am screaming my fucking lungs out.  And loving it.  This is one of those rides that you do not leave when you get off.  This is one of those rides that you get right back in line for. 
(In retrospect, my dirty ass mind sees some possible fault in my previous statement.  It sounds bad but I don't want to Dr. it up to change that.  It's not THAT kind of ride.  It is a metaphorical ride.  Just had to make that clear.)

Sandman has found me and I am ready to succumb to his power.  I love a man in power.  He he. 

Merry sleepy to all, and to all a goodnight,

Jonathan

I think I may just post the lyrics to whatever song comes on my Launch first.  Here goes...

10,000 Maniacs

Because The Night Lyrics

Jonathan

I went to fly,
And my oh my.
I thought of you,
As I always do.
I move my legs at a steady pace,
I'm not alone in this place.
A singel walker and a punked out kid,
On his skateboard, sounds of skid.
I spread my wings,
And not a thing.
I pick up speed,
But not what I need.
My legs are aching,
But it's not making,
A damn difference,
In my conquest.
My parched throat burns like acid,
It yerns for water but gets none past it.
I offer condolance for I too burn,
But it's not water that I yern.
I long for life,
Instead of strife,
But end up lacking,
And find myself packing.
Packing what? to go to where?
I don't know and I don't care.
I'll pack and leave,
With one great heave,
And leave you there,
Wondering where.
As I long for you,
As you will too.
I stop the race,
And calm this place,
But my legs creek,
And my heart speaks.
I walk it off,
To make it stop,
But I'm not done,
It's time to run.
My legs feel nothing as they yell,
My heart is punding, "What the hell."
I now hear voices, out side my head,
The echo's too far, to be my friend.
As all this happens I long for you,
To hug and kiss you, that'll do.

Jonathan

I am being very unoriginal as of late.  I am just in a music mood.  Every once in a while I hear a song that for some unknown reason apeals to me.  I'm not too sure but here goes one more.

An enhancement of emotions by your primitive regime  Experiments procede to exploit my silent screaming  Medical advances like to ease the human mind  A glitch in operations multiplied my anger three more times   Tripled Manic State  Resonating through me  Doctors horrified, all still unsatisfied  Poison as a cure, the failure to control me  Tripled Manic State  Outrageously created for me   Skin is now a prison and I'm never to be free  Immobilized in body and I'm overflowing energy  The agony is understated, no one understands  My tripled manic state is multiplying all my violent plans   Tripled Manic State  Resonating through me  Doctors horrified, all still unsatisfied  Poison as a cure, the failure to control me  Tripled Manic State  Outrageously created for me   The agony is understated, no one understands  My tripled manic state is multiplying all my violent plans 

She digs the Double Cheeseburger Plain and Dry.  Hell yes.  Just one more to a long list.

In my logical way of thinking, I see one answer to the problem in front of me.  It isn't the answer I wanted to get, but it is the only answer.  The only problem is, is this the right problem?  We have a problem; we have an answer.  Do we accept the answer or look for a new problem.  I don't know.  I do care, but there is time.  I am scared to death but it is right.  How is this? 

Life is like driving down the highway with your front windshield painted.  We cannot see what is next.  All we have is our hindsight.  On top of that, the road is too tight to turn around.  What happens happens.  I am done with regret.  All it does is frustrate me, but it is a hard habit to break.  I am doing it though.  Nothing can feel wrong when it feels this right. 

I am in love.  No doubt about it.  I long for the day that I can wake up and have her right there beside me.  The day that I can have a mocha ready for her when she wakes from her slumber.  The day that doesn't have to end in a goodbye.  One of these days it will happen. 

I can't wait to see what is next.  As long as she is there, I will be happy.  I don't think it is worth the risk of having her ripped from my grasp.

Goodnight,

Jonathan

I grab sleep in thirty minute increments.  During the times of blissful numbness I have short irrelevant incoherent dreams that take me away from the place I am in.  In between these breaks from reality, I think of the words of hers that disturb me so and wound my soul.  I long to ask her why, but I am stuck with the dilemma of having five more hours of waiting rather than only the two I was promised.  I know it is beyond her control still feel that she has let me down.  But even so, I am unsure if I can ruin our meeting with such negative thoughts.  I await the sweet embrace that will follow the meeting of our anxious eyes.  I desire another kiss of lust that has all the love that I have been accumulating from our conversations backing it up.  I kiss that will make it all okay.  A kiss that says, "I want YOU forever."  A kiss that can hold no fault.  A kiss that races my heart to a halt.  A kiss from her heart to mine.  A kiss from poisonous lips.  A kiss that is worth immeasurable pain.  A kiss that is this and so much more. 

I haven't written like this in a long time.  I have not taken the care I have in chosing my words and spelling them in ages.  I have felt no need to.  It is amazing what a little inpiration can do. 

Lots of Love,

Jonathan

I need to figure it out.  I just can't even sleep until I do.  Why can't I sleep.  It would make the time pass quicker.  If only I could sleep.  Only an hour and a half until I call you for your seven o clock wake up call.  Maybe after that I will be able to sleep.  Doubtful.  I probably can't sleep until I see her.  I need to talk to her.  I can't wait.  Hurry.

Jonathan

It was ONLY a kiss and she was ONLY a girl and I am ONLY a guy.  That means it all means nothing. 

I knew it was too good to be true.  I knew it wasn't over.  I guess I just hoped it was.  Stupid fucking boy.  Can't think of what to say, can't think of what to do, I just think I might, be losing my mind.  Cut off 'cause I can't remember, a face that could cut me deeper.  Why only tell me what you want me to hear?  Why not what I need to hear?  Afraid I might get jealous?   Well fuck yeah! 

Just do what you want to.  Far be it for me to keep you from what you want.  I was just a fun thing to mix things up for a while.  A change of background.  You were stuck and naturaly picked the one that worked best for you.  You knew that he would be there.  Not too sure about I.  So take the one that might leave just incase.  If it doesn't work, the other one is waiting for you.  Just discard the one you have.  It's no big deal.  It happens every day.  I thought you weren't an every day kind of person.  Well fucked if I am ever right.  Instead of just rambling on, I will show you exactly what.  Word For Word.

It's been a while since I've actually written something here. A lot's happened since. Too much, in fact. My mind can't think straight anymore.

I keep going back and changing my mind. I can't seem to fill that void that's there. It hurts so much. -You said everything was okay.  Liar

You know that I love you. I do. I always will and I've said that to you a million times. All I want is for you to be happy, but I don't know how to make you happy. You tell me that it isn't my job to make you happy, but the truth is, I took your happiness, me. I took that from you and left nothing to you. I want to give it back, -Woah!  What was that?

but I don't know what's keeping me back from it. No, I do. Jon is. -I thought you said it wasn't my fault.

I do have to admit that my feelings for him have grown. Not to what you think though. I can talk to him. But I can't be with him like I was with you. -Duh.  Three years.  It will take some time.

I miss us. -Hold the phone!

But I want this at the same time. My insides are literally twisting, and my head is broken beyond my understanding. -Again you said you were okay.

I do not know what I am going to do without you if I lose you. I need you. I love you. -The words every guy wants to hear from his girl...to her EX.

But why the fuck am I doing this to you, I ask myself? If I love you, why am I fucking doing this? For years, you've been mine. I could still be yours. Why the hell would you make it so easy on me after I am doing this to you? Why? Because you love me, and I'm just too fucking stupid. -Gee thanks.

I've never felt so alone. -Thanks again.

I've never been so upset at myself. I'm screwing your life up. I feel like I'm killing you. But I love you. This doesn't make sense. Why am I hurting you? Can I stop? Why can't I just make up my mind? Why can't I just love you and no one else? Forever.-I guess that word is a common word in your vocabulary.

 "I know there's a hope. There's too many people trying to help me cope." I wish that were the truth. I feel alone though. I feel dead. I feel lost. I feel like I've gone away from the world, and I just hurt all over. Stranded.-Why not tell me any of this?

I believe in you and me
I'm coming to find you
If it takes me all night
Wrong until you make it right
And I won't forget you
At least I'll try
And run, and run tonight
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

I was out shopping for a doll
To say the least, I thought I've seen them all
But then you took me by surprise
I'm dreaming bout those dreamy eyes
I never knew, I never knew
So take your suitcase, cause I don't mind
And baby doll, I meant it every time
You don't need to compromise
I'm dreaming bout those dreamy eyes
I never knew, I never knew
But it's alright...

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

I hope this is our case...because I'm dying inside. You're all I think about.

Why do we call it common sense if it is so uncommon among the human race?  Wouldn't that make it uncommon sense?

Truely,

Jonathan

I was looking for some lyrics to a song that I heard on the radio and couldn't find them.  Instead, I found these. 

You're my past, my future
My all, my everything
My six in the morning when the clock rings
And I open up my eyes to a new day
My laughs, my frowns
My ups, my downs
It's the feeling that you get
When you know that something's true
When I think of love, I think of you

Looking at you while you're sleeping here beside me
Oh, neither words can explain the love I have inside
In a moment it's a physical thing
I know something like spiritual connection
The feeling in my soul, heart of mine

The sweetest thing is what you are
From you I'll never be too far,
Please say forever you will stay beside me

You're my past, my future
My all, my everything
My six in the morning when the clock rings
And I open up my eyes to a new day
My laughs, my frowns
My ups, my downs
It's the feeling that you get
When you know that something's true
When I think of love, I think of you

You're beautiful like the colours of the rainbow
Won't part it like the ray of the sun on a summer's day
And all I gotta do is look into your eyes to lose myself
But the substance of my dreams putted me a woman
I only wanted you to call mine

The sweetest thing is what you are
From you I'll never be too far
Please say forever you will stay beside me

'Cause you're my past, my future
My all, my everything
My six in the morning when the clock rings
And I open up my eyes to a new day
My laughs, my frowns
My ups, my downs
It's the feeling that you get,
When you know that something's true
When I think of love, I think of you

Yeah, oh yeah

When I think of love I think of you
Baby I love you and I need you, yeah

You're my past, my future
My all, my everything
My six in the morning when the clock rings
And I open up my eyes to a new day
My laughs, my frowns
My ups, my downs
It's the feeling that you get
When you know that something's true
When I think of love I think of you

Beautiful huh?  I haven't heard the song.  I am trying to find it. 

And this is just a song that played.  Ineresting huh?

Blood sugar sucker fish
In my dish
How many pieces
Do you wish
Step into a heaven
Where I keep it on the soul side
Girl please me
Be my soul bride
Every women
Has a piece of aphrodite
Copulate to create
A state of sexual light
Kissing her virginity
My affinity
I mingle with the gods
I mingle with divinity
Blood sugar baby
Shes magik
Sex magik sex magik
Glorious euphoria
Is my must
Erotic shock
Is a function of lust
Temporarily blind
Dimensions to discover
In time
Each into the other
Uncontrollable notes
From her snowwhite throat
Fill a space
In which two bodies float
Operatic by voice
A fanatic by choice
Aromatic is the flower
She must be moist
Blood sugar baby
Shes magik
Sex magik sex magik

Fun huh?

Okay.  Still in a grumpy mood.  I feel sorry for the people I work with.  It can't be fun.  OH and I think all the stupid fucks in this city came out today.  I asked a man if he wanted a drink carier and he asked me, "Do you have a carrier for these?"  Someone else ordered tea.  I told her it would be a few minutes because we had to make some.  She said that is okay.  She even asked how long it would be and I told her 5-10 minutes.  After she paid she asked for her drink.  I told her it was brewing.  Then she asked the guy that was right next to me if she was going to get her drink.  Stupid fucks.  That's not all but I am tired of talking about it.

Here we go again.

She likes me for me
Not because I sing like pavarotti
Or because I am such a hottie
I like her for her
Not because she's phat like cindy crawford
She has got so much to offer
Why does she waste all her time with me
There must be something there that I don't see

She likes me for me
Not because I'm tough like dirty hairy
Make her laugh just like jim carrey
Unlike the cable guy
But what she sees
Is that I can't live without her
My arms belong around her
And I'm so glad I found her once again

Okay.  I think I will quit for now.  Sleep before I go to work again.  At least it passes the time.  Tomorrow can't come soon enough.  And this time I really mean tomorrow.

Peace out mother fuckers,

Jonathan

Never mind.  Just one more for you.

You're sort of stuck where you are, but in your dreams you can buy expensive cars, or live on mars and have it your way.
And you hate your boss at your job, but in your dreams you can blow his head off, in your dreams have no mercy.

Soon all your bad days will end, and all your bad days will end.   You have to sleep late when you can and all your bad days will end.

There,

Jonathan

A heart of love is a foolish one.  Going to the famous proverb of, don't put all your eggs in one basket.  There is one who put all his eggs in one basket.  He was sure that the eggs would be safe.  Or at least he thought so.  Safe as they may have been, they were many miles away.  Far too far for him to make it before he starved.  So now what?  Starve to death?  Get a new chicken to lay eggs?  Steal some eggs? 

Fuck it.

Jonathan

Why am I stupid just for being right.  And it isn't just about being right.  I don't care about being right.  I just care about the truth.  If you can prove me wrong, I will believe you.  "I said so," isn't proof.  Just because you're paranoid, doesn't make you right.  Man made the light bulb so he could work in the dark.  So why am I wrong for wanting to work in the dark?  "It's unsafe."  Well, being on the roof is unsafe.  "You might fall."  I might fall if the sun is up.  "Well there's just no talking to you when you're being stupid."  That is a conversation between me and my parents.  Just because I shoot a logical hole in every one of their excuses, I'm stupid.  I am not going to fall off the roof just because it is night.  If there were no city lights, I would understand.  But they're everywhere.  It is like fucking noon at midnight.  That's all I have to say about that.

As a matter of fact, I think that is all I have to say.

Later,

Jon ;)

Back, again, already.  I'm not entirely sure what.  She is happy.  She is more than happy.  She is joyous.  It is relieving.  Refreshing.  Revitalizing.  So why do I feel such unease.  I am happy that is settled.  I am not worried any more.  But what is it.  Is it just too much.  Am I just overwhelmed?  It just seemed to simple.  I guess it could happen.  But how?  Why do I care how?  It happened.  She sounded so happy.  Why am I not so happy.  I should be.  I am.  But there is something else.  What is it?  I don't know.  It just is.  OI!  My brain hurts.  I want to squeeze her so bad right now.  Maybe the happiness has spiked so rappidly that I miss her to an exponential amount.  I want to share this serene and happy moment with her but I can't.  Perhaps that is what this feeling is.  I MISS HER.  That is what I am going to settle at because that is what settles me.  Tomorrow can't come soon enough, and neither can the day after that and the day after that and finally the day after that.  It will though. 

Jonathan

I can't help but worry.  I have seen how persuasive pitty can be.  I would like to say it can't happen here but that would be rather egotistical of me.  I am worth returning to and staying with instead of returning?  I don't think I am that great.  I hope I am though.  Right when I opened a window to type this, this song came on.

"I Got a Girl" by Tripping Daisy

I got a girl who lives with me
I got a girl she smells so sweetly
I got a girl she loves her dog
I got a girl i love her dog too!
I got a girl who stares in the mirror
I got a girl who blames it on her period
I got a girl she is so right
I got a girl she's my guiding light

Well i know i need i feel we're going higher and higher
Well i know i need i feel we're going higher and higher

I got a girl who loves good soul
I got a girl who dances to disco
I got a girl who wears cool shoes
I got a girl who wears them in the nude!

I got a girl who speaks her mind
I got a girl who will argue anytime
I got a girl she is so small
I got a girl she'll knock down any wall

Well i know, i need, i feel we're going higher and higher
Well i know, i need, i feel we're going higher and higher

Get a load of this she's always bitching at me when I'm feeling down,
Asking questions with her little frown,
I can't take much much more of this, i'm out
Get a load of this she's always bitching at me when I'm feeling down,
Asking questions with her little frown,
i can't take much much more of this , i'm out....

I got a girl i love to kiss
I got a girl i never wanna miss
I got a girl she's my best friend
I got a girl that won't even hold my hand

I got a girl that makes me laugh
I got a girl i'll make her laugh too
I got a girl she has girlfriends
I got a girl i like her girlfriends!!

Well i know, i need, i feel we're going higher and higher
Well i know, i need, i feel we're going higher and higher

i got a girl
i got a girl
i got a girl
And she's got a guy

Well, I finally ran again.  I haven't felt like it in a long time.  I need to take the lights off the roof.  I was ready to after the sun set, but my parents wouldn't let me get up there in the dark.  Like I can't see the edge of the roof?  The city lights are so bright.

Now I have no idea what happened.  I don't know who she was talking to or anything and I won't know for a while it seems.  At least minutes but still...  I am frustrated but I like it.  Gerrrrr.  I love her.  Good song here too.  Smoothie Song by Nickel Creek.  I love that band.  Very musical sound.  Not my usual taset but still...  That seems to be the theme of my thoughts.  Well...Talking now.

Later,

Jonathan

Mellow mellow mellow.  I feel so fucking mellow, but that is okay.  I have my playlist going and I am just kicking back.  I feel like such a lazy ass.  I have things to do, but I don't feel like doing any of it.  I just want to relax.  It is not like I have done so much to deserve a break, but I feel like I need one any ways.  I just wish I had my "teddy bear".  I would not be very fun right now but I want you.  Now it is too damn hot.  I was freezing earlier so I turned on the heater.  Bye bye heater.  I absolutely love this song.  It has to be one of my all time favorite songs.  (chilling)  Ahh.  That was nice.  I love that band.  They just put me in a daze.  I love it. 

My grandfather aproves of my decision.  He says it is the best thing I can do.  I have made him proud.  My parents are not too disapointed too.  They were a little shocked when I first mentioned it a few months ago.  You know, a long haired, black wearing, hippy boy who don't take orders from no one.  Just made a Chai Latte.  Yumm.  I have become a tea junkie as well as my coffee now.  I just discovered Earl Grey.  I finaly got some Chai tea, and I did not stop at my one coffee this morning.  I hardly even eat breakfast any more.  I just drink coffee.  I am just like half of America now.  Great.  So much with being different.  Oh well.  I like it.  It is good to sweeten the Chai with Vanilla Syrup.  Yummy.  I am just rambling on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.  Oh.  Sorry about that. 

I lost myself.  I shall go looking for myself again.  If you see me here before I return, keep me here.  I made it all about her.  Everything.  I don't mind.  If it is going to be all about one person, I would want it to be her, but like The Streets said, "Don't mug yourself."  The problem is, this is not a new thought.  I have said this before and not done a thing about it.  And I don't care.  I love it.  I just need to keep a cool head with my warm heart, but that is not as much fun.  I remember why I wanted to be single.  I don't have to worry about losing myself in someone else.  I guess when it comes down to it though, I am glad I am not.  She is wonderful. 

Oh, time to do as I said I would.  I love the way...

...she listens to the radio while driving.

...she is wants more from life.

...she understand things.

...she agrees with me.

...she doesn't do it just because.

...she thinks about it.

...she will not change something if she doesn't want to.

...she is open to new things.

...she is okay being a "strait guy."

...she quotes songs lyrics.

...she admires nature.

...she kisses me.

...she fits into my arms.

...she laughs at me.

...she is stuborn.

...she dissagrees with me.

...she writes.

...she looks at the stars.

...she sleeps under Meka.

...she thinks she is the shit.

...she is the shit.

...her hair is so soft.

...she plays with my hair.

...she wants an adventure.

...she needs me.

...she is what I need.

...we are on the same page and reading at the same rate.

...she drinks coffee.

...she eats ramen noodles.

...she likes good music.

...she listens to country music even though I don't like it.

...she turns it off when I'm around.

...she loves me.

There is so much more, but I have stuff to do. 

Laters,

Jonathan

She fills me with a lust that is topped by none other than my love for her.  I want her.  I want to touch her.  I want to feel her.  I want to experience her in a way that would please my flesh.  But my heart doesn't want that.  I wants to wander what she is.  My heart likes the mystery.  I want to want.  But to want is a desire to have.  So I want the desire to have but I don't want to have.  But in the desire to have, I want to have.  How then can my whole be satisfied.  I long for that answer but fear there is no answer.  But she is worth the unrest.  She is worth the constant strugle.  But I feel that by wraping myself up in these prblems, I am letting her down.  I am too concerned with this that I am missing what is happening.  It is beautiful.  I didn't know that stuff like this happened in real life.  My movie is coming true.  But how much does it cost?  God, I need you to help me through this.

There are some secrets that are not to be shared.  Sorry.

On another note, I wish things didn't have to be so hard for her.  There are two ways to go with the situation given the peramiters that she explained.  The first way to handle the situation would be to be a cold hard bitch with a vicious brutality.  The other way would be to be polite and nice about the whole thing and still in the long run be a cold hard bitch.  I wish I knew another way that everybody could win because I know what it is like to be in every one of these possitions now.  The dumped, the dumpor and the dumped for.  They all suck.  Some less than others but my symathetic ass still takes it hard. 

In other news, I have said it, I have felt it, and I have meant it.  Now I must justify it.  I mentioned before that I could not explain why.  I know why now.  I shall reveal it at a later point in time.  It is late and I have to get up early tomorrow. 

Now to bitch.  My back hurts from the car trip.  I have heart burn from hell to my throat.  All the TUMS do is fizz up the volcano.  I just want to find the mother fucker who keeps puting the vinigar in there.  I am tired of playing volcano.  It is time for this volcano to go dormant.  So this is for my stomach.  FUCK OFF!!!!  I'm tired, I miss you and I want to tell you my secret, but as I afore mentioned, some secrets aren't meant to be shared.

Later days,

Jonathan

I didn't want to stop at work today.  I wanted to keep going.  I don't know what I would have done but it would have been wonderful.  Not too much to say.  I say too much anyways.  Proverbs says something like, A wise man's words are few but the fool speaks many words.

Bye,

Jonathan

Sometimes all you need to do is shut up.  Why is that so hard.  I don't know, but it is.  I should never have talked to her.  Why did I do that.  Now look at me.  I need a fucking break from myself.  I can't sleep now.  I want to talk to her more but I shouldn't.  I am fucking tired of talking.  I want to do.  But doing is so fucking expensive.  I am frustrated. 

I am going to do it.  I can get over myself.  Don't worry.  That will go along as planned.  I guess it will be kind of a challenge to be better than you.  That is part of why I like you.  You present a chalenge for me.  Like the challenge of do I want to talk to you or not.  I need to sleep but don't want to.  I want to do something.  Like what?  I don't know.  I need to do.  I can't wait.  Get back so I can get out.  I wonder if it would make a difference if I sent gas money.  My head is a mess right now.  I don't know what it is saying or even how it is saying it but it is. 

Where to go?  What to do?  I don't know.  I don't care.  I just can't do it tonight.  I need to go to work in the morning.  I need to sleep so I can do that.  I need to do something so I can sleep.  I can't because I have to go to work in the morning.  I am caught in one of those circles that I so dispise.  I guess you could say that I completely despise my life at this very point in time.  As pathetic as it may sound, I hate my life right now because I can't just fuck off into the night.  "Blame it on the week end, God I need a cold one now."

I watched Bewitched and thought of her.  I almost watched it with her.  It therfore reminds me of her.  That is about all there.  What am I going to do tomorrow.  Why is my computer being so gay about the wireless connection?  Why do I have such fucked up dreams?  I had this dream that is so fucking fucked up that I refuse to talk to anybody about it.  And that does include you.  There is no fucking way this one is getting out.  I haunts my ever waking moment and fuck with my head so fucking hard that I just want to rip out the part of my brain that has those made up images in it.  I a too serious about that.  This shit is seriously disturbing and of a calibur that no one can hear of it.  I would rather see a fat ass 90 year old couple having sex than this.  At least that is just grose and not mentaly fucking.  I can vomit and get it over with.  But no.  I have this shit in my head.  Why am I so fucking lucky. 

Are you going to get online or do I have to call you and tell you to?  I need you to hold me.  Maybe even squeeze these thought from my very subconscience.   I just need you.  You make me feel better.  You make other fucked up thoughts come into my mind that make me go insane.  But it is an insane that I don't mind.  It is an insane that is worth it.  One that I have no problem sharing.  It is an insane that I want.  How could you possibley have a more fucked up mind than yours truely.  I can't wait to hear about all the shit of yours that I don't know about.  I don't really have anything but my imagination fucking me over, but it does a pretty good job at it.  It's all in my head but that is not comforting at all.  What the fuck is it doing in my head.  That is what bothers me.  Not the thoughts themselves, but the fact that they are there.  At least you know why you are fucked up.  Or at least I think you would know.  I don't really know what all there is to you.  I know that there is nothing to me but my mind pretends. 

See, I can't fucking shut up.  I have all this and more going through my head right now and it is really fucking me.  I wish I could just hold you, let time stop, melt, and about it to you.  I want to leave the rest of the world behind and dissapear with you.  NOW!  I want to leave everybody scratching their heads like monkeys do their asses thinking, "What the fuck happened to that fucking morron that always comes around here?"  Why don't I do that?  Is it because I am scared?  What am I afraid of?  Starting over at ground level?  Leaving all that I know?  Fucking off all that I have?  All of the above and so fucking much more.  But it would be worth it all. 

The problem is I think about all the people I would be fucking over if I did that.  I have a conscience.  It reminds me of every bad possibility and then some impossibilities.  It tells me that there would be no turning back.  I can go but not look back.  I don't want to ditch my past.  It is what had made me who I am.  I don't want to stay though.  The only problem is, if I go, I will leave it behind never to look back.  Then what do I have to gauge myself by.  I have so much here to remind me of who I have become.  I leave it, I start all over. 

But what would happen if I did.  I will never know unless I try.  The risk is great.  I could get mugged, run out of gas so far out in the middle of nowhere that I die of dehydration before I get help.  What is out there for me?  Is what I want out there or is it right under my nose.  I don't know.  I will never know unless I check, but if I check and find out that it was under my nose, will it be there or in the same shape I want it in when I return?

I don't know if that makes sense or not.  I don't feel like reading back and making it make sense.  I want you to just read my mind and tell me what it is that I should do.  Just love me as I love you.  There is no use beating around the bush.  I love you and want you to love me.  But is that it?   There is so much more to us than love.  I love Meka.  I love Darren.  I love my family.  I even love my annoying ass ex-es.  But I want so much more from you.  I see so much more in you.  I just hope it is more than a nice body.  My lust for you is strong, and I actualy hate it.  I wish I could just put all hormones to the side for a while and see what is really there.  I want you in so many ways.  I want you as a friend, a lover, an adventurer, a cuddle buddy, a mate, a shrink, and so much more.  The only problem being the everlasting question in life, "Is that physicaly possible?"  I don't know but I hope so.  I want you.  I love you.  I hope it lasts but am doubtful.  There has been so many times I just assumed that it would that I don't even want to say that I think it will last.  "All I know is that I don't know,  All I know is that I don't know nothin'."  I don't want to know any of it though.  I just want it to work the way I want it to work.  I think I may long to be tamed but I want to be tame in the way that I want to be.  I like the way you tame.  It is not a I'm in charge or you're in charge but a no one's in charge.  But with no one in charge, we are like a class room when the teacher steps out.  Please tame me.  I think.  But if I don't like it, I will run away.  Do you think you can tame me without scaring me away?  I don't that is why I don't want to be tame.  I don't want to run away.  I want to stay with you forever.  But what is keeping me here.  Nothing.  I can leave whenever I want to.  But I don't want to do that the rest of my life.  I want a reason to stay.  Do you have a reason I like?  Can you think of one?  Give me a reason I like.  I want your dominance right now.  Show me what you can do.  Good luck.  I am rooting for you.  I just hope I didn't say anything that makes you want me to run away.  Or something so bad that you pack up and leave.  I am fucking nuts.  Well I don't see you online so now I will call.  Sorry for what I am going to do that will be a have done by the time you get here. 

Now I have more to ramble about.  My situation is more nerve racking than yours.  You have a screaming sister.  I have a sociopathetic ex-brother-in-law that is out to ruin my sisters life and I somehow get caught up in it.  That is in addition to all the rest.  I almost didn't stop at work this morning.  I almost just kept going.  I wish I would have.  That child needs a spanking, but considering the environment that he is in, it would be like striking flint in a gas tank.  So you can imagine how tense it is here.  This has been going on for about four years and will not end unless the father is in jail.  That is the only way to stop him.  But due to certan technicalities, that doesn't seem to happen.  I hope what happened on Monday will do it but it is not very likely.  I don't know what I am talking about now so I am going to shut up.  This sucks.  All of it.  Good luck. 

Cringing,

Jonathan

How fucking appropriate.  I get on here to bitch about how lonely I am and the song that plays on my Yahoo! station is Lonely People by America.  I seriously thing that thing is fucking psychic.  I was talking to someone before and we were talking about Romeo and Juliet.  About three songs came on my station that mentioned them.  She had two I think.  How fucking ironic.  Maybe Yahoo! is watching you conversations.  Anyways.

I don't want to call until after midnight.  I really don't want to call.  Talking just reminds me of the distance.  I love talking but it is always about what will happen.  I think it's great but I am more of a doer.  Talking doesn't do it for me.  I need to do it.  I am really down because I can't do right now.  Hurry!  Please?!  I am ready to do all that has been said.  Tomorrow can't come soon enough.  Even worse than that, I don't even have the comfort that it will eventualy come.  When it comes, it becomes today and again tomorrow can't come soon enough.  I love tomorrow.  That is what I live for, but sometimes I get frustrated.  All I can do is wait and try again tomorrow.  Well here I go.  Head first into the future.  Come with me if you wish.  If you go, I will see you there.  The rest of you, I will not miss.  You just drag me down.  I will be happy to be rid of you.  So here's a big fuck off for you.  A message from the future. 

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you HAD the time of your life."

Fuck you losers.  I am having the time of my life because I am still alive.  I have left you behind in a cloud of dust and you can't hold me back any more.  I win, you lose.  And you don't even know what the fuck is happening.  Have fun with the past. 

One final thought.  I think I know why so much changes when you get into a relationship.  All of a sudden, everything revolves around that relationship.  At least for me it does.  That just fucks me up.  I have been feeling down, and I told myself that it was because I missed her.  Now I know that it is because I can't wait for my future.  Wether it be her or not is irrelevant at this point.  I just want my future.  I hope it is her, but what I long for is tomorrow, not her.

From the Future(sort of),

Jonathan

He loves her and she loves him,
But they will never say it,
Because they are too busy thinking it.
And that's the way they like it.

Bad day at work today.  I was not really tired.  My back just hurt and my head was in bloo blah blee bloe land.  I normaly like it there, but I can't enjoy it at work.  I was not scheduled for this week end, and that made me happy.  But, they needed me anyways.  Oh well.  I'v come from nothing, I've gone back to nothing.  What have I lost?  Nothing. 

Now I am off to dish out the popcorn.  It looks as if the theatre may be closed tomorrow night.  Time off?  We'll see.  Well I won't.  If it exists tomorrow, I will have my eyes closed through the whole thing, but that's the way, uh huh uh huh I like it.

Take it Easy,

Jonathan

Not when you say that it isn't.

I hope she's sleeping peacefully right now.  She needs it.  I feel bad.  I did it.

"I just can't get you out of my head, Oh your love is all I think about."

If I could go back I would.  Even if I had time for just one kiss.  That one kiss would be worth the trip.  A kiss that is both stimulating and soothing, captivating and releasing, overpowering and invigorating.  Overall entrancing.  My eyes stay closed long after the fact.  I want more but I fear my heart may explode if it beats any faster.  So I hold her.  I hold her so tight that God himself can't pull us apart.  Only, yes he can.  But why?  I don't want to go.  Except, it's his will not mine.  I must go.  I must leave.  She jumps into my arms.  I squeeze.  So I give in to my wants.  Our lips meet.  Our tongues twist.  Our teeth grab hold.  Our souls mesh.  For this moment we exist as one.  Everything is as it should be, but not long enough.  I must drive away.  Never to see you to this very day.  But the memory live on in my heart and in my mind and in my soul.  I know that is supposed to be for God, but I can't tell her no.  We do still share our words, but they don't mean as much without her smile.  We talk of when we meet again, but I feel the talking has no end.  I know she means it as much as I do, but I grow weary of wating.  But in the end, after all the waiting, I will be worth it for just one more kiss.

Restlessly Zealous,

Jonathan

I hope she's sleeping peacefully right now.  She needs it.

Hehe...that's what YOU think. Or thought.

I have been here for three days now and I am going fucking insane.  I am pissed.  I will give you a cookie if you guess why.  Seriously.  I mean it.  Anybody.  One of those really big moist and chewy chocolate chip ones. 

Other than that, I don't have much to say other than hurry up and kiss me.  That is the next best thing.

Later,

Jonathan

I SAID HURRY!!!

I wish it wasn't cold.  I wish I didn't have a cold.  I want to run.  I want to walk.  I want to think with out a speak.  It is nice to have someone to share your thoughts with, but it is also nice to have thoughts to yourself.  Something that I know and no one else.  Something that is mine.  I know it is selfish of me, but I want it.  It is not anything that I want to hide from the world, from you.  It is just I want something to call my own.  My thoughts make me me.  If I turn all of them into words, what do I have to make me with? 

Yes, I will be closing off a little.

No, that does not mean I do not like you.

Yes, I will talk to you less.

No, that does not mean I want you to leave me alone.

Yes, I am going to keep secrets from you.

No, that does not mean I do not want you to know me.

Yes, I will ask less about you.

No, that does not mean I do not want to know you.

I lost myself in you.  I just need to settle down and take it easy.  I want to know you and I want you to know me, but it will happen in due time.  It's a lesson learned in time.  I am saying this more for myself.  I need to acknowlege that.  I will talk to you later.  For now, I need to fight this cold.  Ah sleep.  The neuclear bomb of the fight against illness.

In Peace,

Jonathan

I am happy.

It is imposible to find plain long sleve t-shirts that fit for under $20.  I just want a cheap shirt to go under my t-shirts.  I find some but they dont fit right.  In order for them to be long enough, I have to get an XL, but that is too big.  I need it to be tight.  I can get under armor, but that is like $25.  I hate it.  Oh well.

Laters,

Jonathan

What will happen when the newness wears off.  I like to think it never will, but I know better.  There is something telling me this time will be different.  I pray to God,

Lord, I ask for your guidance here.  As I have learned time and time again, your will is not one to resist.  If I don't let it happen, you will make it happen.  I ask that your will be done.  She is like a precious jewel.  I couldn't stand to hurt her.  If this is not to be, let it be easy on her at my cost.  Amen.

I'm back.

Thank you Lord.  This has been just about the best time I have had in a very long time, if not actualy the best.  It started Saturday morning at 4:00 A.M.  My alarm woke me up so that I could embark on the first adventure of my life.  I pack all my stuff, take a shower, and get in the car.  The moment I turn on the car I here Free Bird playing on the radio.  What are the chances of that?  So the first ten minutes of my trip were spent rocking out to that and contemplating how ironic it is that that song was playing on the radio and also the fact that that radio station was on in my car.  I usualy listen to KTXT but it was on Rock 101.  Gotta love it.  So here I am, on the road at 6:00 in the morning going to see a friend that has no idea that I am coming.  I have only told those that HAVE to know what is going on.  That would be, my boss and my parents.  All my friends I just told, I will tell you on Monday. 

So, I had kind of foreshadowed my arrival.  I asked her for her address, she said, "I want to see you," and I told her, "I'll see what I can do."  I also told her that I would call her tomorrow and we will go for a walk.  I kind of have a plan.  I would arrive at about noon and while standing outside her house, call her and tell her that I am ready to go on our walk, go outside.  She comes out and OMG.  We go on a picnic or something like that, and I go camping in the national part that is about ten miles out.  The next day I return home.  Now if you know me at all, you know that I am not much for plans.  You would also know that I am scatter brained and easily distracted.  Here is the thought process that set off a new reality for me.  The way I am to go is south on 87 and then 277 at San Angelo.  That would take me directly to my destination.  Now when we go to San Antonio, we take that route to Sonora at which point we split for I-10.  I am thinking that it is different at Sonora.  I split from our normal route at Sonora.  So,  I am waitng for Sonora to turn onto 277.  The only problem is, Sonora is on 277.  I am still on 87.  I end up in the Hill Country region.  I start going through towns that I didn't recognize.  I called my dad to see if I just always sleep through those parts and he tells me that I have been going the wrong way for about two hours.  At this point I am just going to go and find a way from here.  I get to Fredricksburg and stoped at a town information center to get a map.  They didn't have any but there was a book that had general maps of the separate regions of Texas in it.  It didn't have the road I had been traveling on but it did have the roads I needed to get back on course.  I talked to the man there for about fifteen, twenty minutes.  I like to talk to perfect strangers. 

Okay, now I am leaving this town of Fredricksburg on 16.  This is a small backroad that has so many ups and down and lefts and rights that my average speed through here was about 35-40.  But it was nice though.  The scenery was beautiful.  The reds and greens of the cedars, the fresh air, and the serene sight of a small rippling pond on the side of the road were all a treat to the sences.  There was this tree that stood out from the rest.  It was already asleep for the winter.  The leaves were gone, and it's bark was white.  It stood tall and strait and had a solid background of the rest of the woods.  It was picture perfect.  The whole time thinking, I wish she could see this.  I see all these shops on the side of the road.  Ther is a sign that says JAM in large letters and another that says PEACHES.  I consider stoping both times but I am going too fast and don't feel like turning around.  I had this strong urge to go into the peaches place and sing Peaches by The Presidents Of The United States Of America.  It would have been more fun with friends and a video camera.  The not much else happened on the trip.  I continued on west 16 until I reached Kerville at which point I turned south on 83 then west on 90.  That took me to my destination.  A six hour trip, took ten hours.

On the way back, I got lost again.  This was not so good because I had to go to work, but I did not let that get me down.  This time I was awakened by my alarm at three in the a.m.  I woke up, had some coffee and a doughnut, and headed out.  I am to go west on 90 until I reach 277.  I turn north on 277 and go strait.  In San Angelo it merges with 87 and caries me strait back to Lubbock.  Right?  Wrong.  So, 277 splits off and creates west 90.  I did not know that so I wasn't watching the signs.  I end up on 90 again. 

In the process of doing this, I go across this long bridge.  At the end of the bridge, I see a curve coming up and headlights coming around that curve.  Now the headlights came around that curve before I hit it but the fucker driving the headlights had their brights on.  I had to come to almost a complete stop because I could not see the road.  I didn't feel like sending this car to the bottom of a lake.  I don't have full coverage insurance on it. 

Back to the trip.  Looking back, I rember the guy at the immigration/border control station looking at me funny when I told him that I was headed to Lubbock.  Now I know why.  So I go seeing all these signs that say 90 on them.  What can I do but go 90 mph in the wrong direction?  Just kidding.  I call to see if the first part of 277 is 90, but it isn't.  My map reader, Mom, tells me that I can take north 163 to I-10 instead of going all the way back to the place that this leg of my adventur started.  I take it.  This too is a back road only it is dark so that I cannot see the scenery.  Being that is was five in the morning, I was the only one out there.  SOo, I am taking this sucker at 80ish.  This too has ups and downs and ins and outs but not as sharp of turns.  There was also this strait away that was just ups and downs.  I took off here.  It felt like a roller coaster.  You know the flying out of your seat feeling when you go over a hump and the extra gravitational force at the bottom.  I was great.  I also got a rush every time I would go over a hill and a sharp turn at the same time.  I have no idea what the road will do after that.  As far as I know, there is another car going the opposite direction and cutting the corner.  She would have loved it.  After that stretch of road, the traveling was rather uneventful.  It did get fun as I grew closer to my final fate of a weekend with eleven hours of sleep and seventeen hours of driving.  I started seeing a face that would cover up the other cars, and for the last two hours, mine eyes were following this face to the land of the sleeping.  I even drank two Frapuccinos, and a Monster energy drink.  The caffiene was not enough.  I had to splash water on my face and roll down the window for an icy chill to keep me awake.  And one more thing happened.  There was a pretty decent fog rolling on the plains.  There were a couple places that it  was especially thick.  It was like a wall ten feet thick that I could not see through.  I was interesting.  I would really like to know why is concentrated right there. 

As a final note, Lubbock drivers suck.  Through this whole trip I had no problem(except for the bright lights but I did that a couple times).  As soon as I enter Lubbock city limmits, not even a mile into the city, a person in a truck makes a left turn across 82nd and just about stops to ease into the driveway.  This forces me to break and swerve in order to miss this jackass.  Lubbock, you suck.  The buttons to unlock my car don't even work here.  I had trouble before I left and it worked just fine the whole trip.  I get back to Lubbock and it goes to crap.  I said it before, and I will say it again.  Lubbock you suck.

There is so much She doesn't know yet, but She is willing to learn.  "You don't know what you are getting yourself into," She says.  I shall send it right back at Her. 

I fall hard,
I fall fast,
I fall in,
I fall out.

"I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of?  I'm afraid that I'm not sure of, a love there is no cure for.  Do you think you love me?"

I think I have the answer to the question.  As I have said She knows so much and so little but is open to that She knows not.  She welcomes that which She is not entirely sure of.  She will take it in and not just say okay.  She is not a mindless zombie that will take your word for it.  She is a thinker and has a mind of Her own.  That is so rare these days.  She dominates and submits in a way that blows even my mind.  She has ambition.  She wants more for Her life.  She refuses to settle. 

"The difference between greed and ambition is the quality of that in which you desire."-theEverTalkingBrain

She wants what matters:  life, love, freedom, and the happiness they all bring.

Granted we are new, I can already see a difference in the way She acts towards me.  I feel free.  I do not have to try; I just do.  Everybody keeps telling me that this was so romantic.  I wasn't really thinking of that.  I just wanted to have a good time.  Do what I want to do.  And She loved it.  She is a beautiful soul that inspires me.  I don't try to please Her.  It just happens.  She does not try to tame me.  Before, I have felt like girls want to put me in a cage.  Train me to use the cat box.  Make me come when they call.  She just feeds me and scratches my ears.  She lets me inside if I want and out when I want.  I am not traped.  I am free and in love.  It just feels so right.  She fits in my arms like we are two puzzle pieces, but right now the puzzle is upside down.  Will the picture match when we turn it over?  I cannot wait to find out.  I hope it does, but what if it does?  I don't feel like settling down with Her would make me settle.  I feel that She know exactly what I want.  She doesn't know She knows it, but she does.  I feel that She wants the same.  It seems that way, but the puzzle is upside down. 

I know I used the word love.  I know I am very critical of it.  I also know that there are no other words to use.  I apologize.  But not really.  I meant to do it.  Get over it.  Ha Ha.  What you gonna do about it?  Huh.  That's what I thought. 

My only regret is that I did not get enough sleep.  I would have enjoyed it that much more if I was fully alert.  And I would have been more fun for Her too.  Oh well, there's always next time.

Living free,

Jonathan

Oh my gosh! 

I can't believe the way I feel about this girl.  It is so great but so bad.  It is soothing in a scary way.  It's like she's everything I want and everything I need.  So what's the problem.  I think I may have felt this way before but for different reasons.  There is so much different this time.  Better.  So what's the catch.  What will I discover down the road that will make her not worth it?  What could posibly happen?  I have asked that before too.  But this time it's different.  Better. 

I know what I want but I don't want to have it.  I still want to want it. 

She said something that makes me want her more.  It was something along the lines of let it be what it be.  I want her so bad right now.  I want to tell her but I am afraid of what telling her would do.  She's so great.  And she tells me the same of myself.  But I still have this litte voice in my head saying don't fuck up.  It isn't don't fuck this up.  At least then i would know what I should do.  No it says don't fuck up.  No direction in my own thoughts. 

Life is like love, all logic against it, but all healthy instinct for it.

I need to tell her.  I want to tell her.  I just want to tell her in person.  But I don't want to wait.  I want to tell her now.  I don't want to keep her in the dark.  I need to go there. 

"exactly you dont know. i guess what im saying is that you should prepare for soon. in other words dont waste time. "

I think I'm nuts.

My mind is dropsicle to go on drinking that which it is death for it to drink, because it goes on drinking that which it is dieing to experience.

The battle in my head is raging on with the fiercest of violence.  The only difference is, now there is a side I want to win and an underdog.  The problem with that is, they are the same.  Why do I alow myself to do this to me?

"There is so much more," she says.  I want to know more.  But I don't want to know.  I want to want to know.  Sometimes the questions are much mor facinating than the answers.

Now here's the delima.  Do I let her know that which I am not entirely sure I even want to know?  Hear my cry oh God.  Help me chose the path you have chosen for me.  Amen.

Thank you God.

Okay.  Now I think that at least one someone may have something to say about this.  Bring it on.  I would love to hear what any of you have to say.  That being said, here it goes.

This morning I am going to attempt to define, explain, and share my opinions on this thing we call sex.  It is something that is actually very odd when you think about it.  It is something that we all want but doesn't really give us very much in return.  Some call it "making love".  I call that BULL SHIT.  Love is our sad attempt to tame this wild beast that we really do not have much control over.  Maybe I should take a couple steps back. 

Sex is one of five parts of our most primitive instinct.  Instinct meaning that we are born with it.  This instinct is called survival.  In order to survive we need to eat, sleep, drink, breathe, and fuck.  If we did not do one of those things there would be no survival.  We all began breathing after we were born.  Birth being a direct effect of sex.  After birth, we don't do much other than eat, sleep, drink and breathe.  Everything else has to be programmed.  It is not instinctive.  Okay, you do not want to have sex as a baby but life is a circle.  In order for the circle to continue, it has to come around to where it began.  SEX! 

If you look back at the primitive cultures, women weren't much more than baby makers.  A baron woman was looked down on in society because that was their primary purpose in life.  Man was made to tend to the earth.  Woman was made to make more men.  Men are genetically stronger than women.  Men get women by offering the other four needs of survival.  That includes the protection to keep her breathing.  Women get men by providing the fifth need of survival.  Reproduction.  Women are not completely useless in these other fields.  Just not as strong as men.  Now I grant you this, we are no longer living in a primitive culture(well none of us that are reading this), but we do have the same programmed primitive instincts that are programmed into life.  All animals have the same requirements for survival. 

Now as I mentioned what we call love is our way of trying to tame this wild beast we call sex.  We try to say that love is what makes our mating rituals different than animals.  But in reality,we are equals on that level.  Lust is our bodies telling us that you need to fuck to survive.  Other wise your species will die out.  This is why we go around looking for it in one way or another.  We may be looking for love but the reason we want love so badly is because our bodies want to continue the human race.  Tricky little buggers aren't they.

I got distracted and lost my train of thought.  I think I had a much deeper, much more profound thought that this.  I cannot remember.  Sex is survival.  That is why we want it so badly.  It is rooted in at least thousands of years of instinct.  That is why it is so strong. 

I am really getting out of it now.the last couple paragraphs may be crap.  But the first part was my genuine thought.  I wonder how it turned out.  Too sleepy. 

Lullaby,

Jonathan

"Day after day, They send my friends away, To mansions cold and grey, To the far side of town."

I miss you guys.  This is going to be a long month.  It is nice outside.  I want to run.  I do not even need a jacket.  I shall return with fresh new thoughts.

Okay.  I am back.  It was nice out there.  Only a few problems. 

1.  City lights.

2.  High school football game.  Noisy.

3.  No you.

You wish you were here, and I wish I were there.  We need to work something out.  I envy you and you blackout ridden town.  Do you know what I would have done if I were. you?  Considering it was as cold as you let on, I would have put on my tights, pajama pants, jeans, small long sleve t-shirt, short sleve t-shirt, button up microfiber shirt, jacket, coat, beanie, and gloves.  I would grab a blaket and chill out in the yard, or park if it is not too far away, with a cup of coffee.  All of this to watch the never ending expanse that we call outer space.  I would take in all I can of this space created by the words of an all mighty powerful God.  The God who is by far greater than you, me, all of the universe and the great beyond. 

I am out,

Jonathan

I am such a music slut.  I am looking at this video to see if I like the video as much as I love the song.  I do so I put it on here.  Then next comes Warning by Green Day.  Now I want that video on my site.  I am listening to My Station on Yahoo! Launch.  I hear all these songs that I love.  Not too much in common some times.  Just great music.  Do you know what makes it great?  The fact that I like it.  That is what makes it great.  I do not care what you think about it.  I LOVE IT.  Oingo Boingo is one of my new favorite bands.  I heard them on my station.  They were awesome.  I later learned that that is where Danny Elfman came from.  That explains that one.  Mr. Elfman is a wonderful song writer.  Just watch almost any Tim Burton film.  Who by the way happens to be my favorite movie directior of all time.  Tim Burton, Danny Elfman and Johnny Depp are an excilent team.  Now I hear Sister by She Wants Revenge.  I need to get away.  If I did not already have financial obligations I would be gone.  I just cannot back out on my responsibilities that I have accepted.  I cannot do that to my family.  I will figure it out eventualy.  I think I found someone with enough heart to do this with me.  I just wonder if she actualy would.  We will see.  I am getting tired.  I hope everybody is quiet enough for me to sleep in tomorrow.  Saturday is sleep in day.  Some people just do not understand that.  "Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in." The Postal Service-Sleeping In

Sweet dreams,

Jonathan

of course i'd do it with ya. :) it sounds exciting. :) really exciting. woohoo for adventure! i still miss you.

Okay.  For the whole one of you that I told I would not be writing tonight, I am sorry I lied.  I got inspired. 

A rocking concert where you are behind a hot girl rocking out, head banging, jumping around, and acting a fool-$12

Your friend's reaction when you put your hand in his seat before he sits down and squeeze real hard when he does so-Priceless.

One litter botle of water-$1.29

The look on your friends face when you pick him up from behind with the bottle in the front pocket of your baja-Priceless.

Foot-long meatball sub with pepper jack cheese, oregano, SunChips, and a Root Beer-$6.70

The look on a strangers face whe you come up behind him, place your chin on his shoulder, and confess inches from his face that you do not know him-Priceless.

A cigarete at the park-$.23 that your friend paid

Seducing a strait man over the phone as a transvestite lesbian-Priceless.

There are some things money CAN buy.  For everything else, there's Jonathan.

Oh yeah.  I almost forgot to complain about the weather.  I do not mind the cold.  I actualy like it.  I am sick of people whining about it.  That is part of living in a desert area.  Hot hots and cold colds.  Get used to it, leave or just shut up.  I do however not like to dry.  It does murder to my sinuses.  My nuckles are always cracking, and I have to aply chap stick every fifteen minutes.  I also have to dring water just about non-stop.  I'm not just whining.  Besides, if I was, this is my site.  If you do not want to hear it, do not read it.  But I do plan to leave.  I want to go to Dallas.  Moisture and The Magic Time Machine, what else do you need? 

I wish I was not poor.  It seems like in order to have a decent paying job, you have to sell your life to the company.  Sure they pay you more, but you have to work when they want you to.  If you want to go somewhere or do something, too bad.  You have a job.  Make money to "live" to work to make money to "live" to work.  Notice that live is in "".  And I quote, "Unbeing dead is not living."  I want to live.  The only problem is, the only places that give you the freedom to live give you crap for wages and hours.  One of my problems is that employers do not like to hire someone for just a few months.  They all want career oriented individules.  They will hire a crapy worker, that has stayed at jobs for years, only to fire them in a few months for sucking.  They could hire me, a good worker that will leave in a few months to see the world and meet new people. 

I think we should talk.  I think I have a great idea. 

Sandman is coming and i don't have long at all.

Rock on,

Jonathan

Oh, you credit card, you.

fun fun fun-ity fun

Wow.  I think I finally found one who understands my art of life.  I feel like an artist that has never been understood until now.  People have looked at my work and make comments like, "Oh, that is interesting,"  or, "I like that,"  but none have understood what it meant.  An artist loves to be appreciated, but being understood is so much greater.  I am actually glad things turned out the way they did.  I like her.  I will probably end up loving her some day, but she will never know because she is happy.  And that's the way uh huh uh huh I like it.   Do not be confessed any more.  Just love and be loved. 

You know?  Love is a wonderful thing.  People have perverted it to the point that it scares the shit out of me to hear the words "I love you."  I want to take this chance to tell everybody out there that I LOVE YOU!  in the most sincere and wholesome way that I can.  That does not mean I want to marry you or have sex with you.  That would be gross.  Guys are part of everybody.  Ewwww.  Anyways, love is great.  The only problem is that most people see love as a feeling or emotion.  Love is a way of life.  Let us see.  Where was I going with this?  I cannot remember.  It may come back later.  Dinner time. 

Laters,

Jonathan

love is not merely the game that humans have made it to be. love is nonexistent unless you know what it really is, and you my friend, you know what it is. :) i commend you. congrats, and i'll be seeing you soon. i miss you.

Okay.  I think it is about time for another stupid crazy entry from the eccentric mind of ME!

There is this great music video called Axle F by Crazy Frog.  It is hilarious.  I saw it and started laughing.  I couldn't find a HTML code for it otherwise I would have it on here.  In my search for "the code"(DAH Dah dah) however, I did learn about the frogs genitalia.  Take a look.  It is just that much funnier now.

I have also learned of the great wonders of Salad Fingers and the Rusty Spoon.  "The feel of the rust on my salad fingers it almost ORGASMIC."  Is that not just a fun word to say.  Did you like the movie, Do you like the chocolate cake, Was it good for you?  And a great answer for all of these is, "Oh it was simply orgasmic."  It feels good just saying it.  Okay, not really, but it would seem like one would.  Damn it, you got me, but you know you are thinking about feeling real good when you say it.  Ha!  I win.  That is kind of orgasmic.

Ooh.  I just got an idea for a great toy.  OrgasMicky.  You know those dogs in Spencers Gifts.  I think they have monkeys too.  Imagine Micky Mouse humping you leg.  Is that not orgasmic. 

Okay time to calm down.  Down boy.  Sorry.  I saw a rusty tea kettle bend over.  Thank you Seth for sharing Salad Fingers with me.  Thank you Shamika for telling me to see Seth for a good time. 

I should sleep.  I have work tomorrow. 

Laters,

Jonathan

I know now what I did not know before, and I thank you for that.  Life will proceed to be good like it always has been.  We will hang out like nothing happened and talk the same.  We will become the best friends that we can.  We will continue to make eyes at each other but only when the other is looking away.  We will live our separate lives and always tell the other about all the negative.  We will give each other the advice and help to counteract the negative while secretly thinking, "I would not do that."  But we will not say that because we are happy the way things are.  What we have works.  If it is not broken, do not fix it.  Right?  We will both get married.  We will pretend to be happy for one another all the while thinking, "That should be me."  But we will not say that because we think the other is better off the way things are.  We will continue to talk and share what is wrong with our lives.  Our others will become jealous.  That will push us closer together.  One day the question will be asked.  What if? 

And the answer would be. 

I know now what I did not know before, and I thank you for that.  Life will proceed to be good like it always has been.  We will hang out like something happened and talk the same.  We will be the best friends that we can.  We will continue to make eyes at each other even when the other is looking away.  We will live our lives together and hold back the negative.  We will find help with the negative secretly thinking, "You are a great friend."  We will not take these separate paths because we are happy.  What we have works.  If it is not broken, do not fix it.  Right?  We will get married.  We will be happy together, but have someone thinking, "That should be me."  But we will not hear that because they think we are better off the way things are.  We will stop talking and hold back what is wrong with our life.  We will become jealous.  That will pull us apart.  One day the question will be asked.  What if?

One life, many paths. 

"Just so little girl, any path.  So many worth exploring, Just one would be so boring." Big Bad Wolf-Into the Woods.

One more path that is worth exploring with giant tree blocking it.

"The harder to get the better to have." The Princes-Into the Woods.

But that does not constitue stealing.  We have but one life.  One chance to get it right.  Or at least as right as we can. 

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."  ~Arthur Miller

"The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss."  ~Thomas Carlyle

Living life,

Jonathan

thank you, jonathan. thank you. you will forever be imprinted in my mind, your voice forever speaking to me in my sleep for you are wonderful in so many ways that are uncountable. your heart was never meant for breaking, and those who do so are not worth it. trust me. you too will find your one, and who knows? maybe she's right in front of you, and maybe she's far away at the moment. she is there though.

And you won’t give up the search
For the ghosts in the halls
You wear sandals in the snow
And a smile that won’t wash away
Can you look out the window
Without your shadow getting in the way - Sarah McLachlan

I should not be, but I am.

I like to hear from you.

I cannot help but think, "I may have been wrong."

I wonder if it would matter.

I do not think it matters if it matters.

I just want to know.

Tell me and I'll get on with it.

I know what I said.  I think I have changed my mind. 

"When you share your thoughts with someone, you feel close to them." 

"Take my hand, off to never never land." 

"Let's take a blast to the moon baby." 

"You spin me right round baby right round, like a record baby right round round round." 

"You've got nothin' in your mind but love." 

"Counting helps the hiding but what I seek I'm not finding." 

I am disappointed with my last entry.  It has nothing to it.  I had to think about writing.  It did not just come to me.  Thus it sucks.  Oh well.  We are all entitled to mistakes.  I slept in today.  Woke up at about 11, had some pop tarts, and went back to sleep.  Woke up at about 2 and ate again, this time with coffee, the real stuff, with caffeine, is that how it is spelled?, I had toast, noodles with broccoli, and my loverly coffee.  Then I get online.  I am bored.  Work in an hour and fifteen minutes.  I think I may go now to take a shower and just relax in it for a while.  Very laid back mood.  Get ready to chill out.  I hear it will get cold tomorrow.  High of 46 or something like that.  Now time for a tranquil downpour of liquid steam. 

Laters,

Jonathan

45 minutes later...

Damn it.  Is it so hard to grasp the concept of do not use hot water when I want ALL of it.  Some people are just selfish. 

HIPOCRITE!

Hey!  Who asked you.  Do you want me to take the cotton off the Q-tip?

TRY ME!

Okay.  You called my bluff on that.  But I will poke really hard.

...

That's better.  So where was I?  I do not know.  Oh well.  Work time.  Fun fun.

Bye,

Jonathan

Thank God for decaf.

I like my coffee strong.

Make sure you put water in the espresso maker before you turn it on.

I bet if they tried, someone could make the brown sugar a little less accessible.

I love the smell of brown sugar. 

I should have steamed the half and half.

I cannot find my sneakers.

I guess I cannot run.

Well, I guess I could.

The steel toe is just a bit too much for my shins.

This coffee is not hot enough.

It is not cold enough out here.

The park is too bright. 

Is it scary that I find comfort in the dark?

Damn dog.

There goes the luckiest spider in the world.

I do not need this many layers yet.

Dang, this coffee is already cold.

I am bored.

A warm house is not as great when you are already warm.

Perhaps it is time I retreat my conscience mind to a state that is much more alert and interesting.  How does Florida sound?  Florida sounds hot.  I am ready for the cold.  I am feeling very good about myself at this point in time.  I will not share online, but if you know me I would be more than happy to tell you.  Just ask.  If you think you may know why I feel good about me, you are wrong. 

Sleep is now starting to grab hold of me.  I shall succumb to the pulling of my conscious mind into the inviting warm embrace of slumber. 

Until yesterday begins again tomorrow,

Jonathan

Life is like a mix tape that consists of every song,whether you like it or not, that you have heard.-Me

That is right.  I want my name to be beside this quote when it is on a poster in a high school class room some day.

From the building to the car a stiff cold wind from north to south blows my hair and gives me a crisp yet soothing chill to the bone.  Get in the car.  Turn up the heater to the point that when the engine is fully heated I am bombarded with the burning air that warms as afore mentioned to the bone and envelopes me in a cozy feeling of relaxation.  The effects of the heat are deep enough that the evidence of such an existance radiates from the inside out supplying an atmosphere of comfort from the vehicle to the home. 

Peace out,

Jonathan

Kitty stretches.  Radio says...I don't really know what it says I just like the sound.  Gypsey Punk rocks.  I love these pants that I am wearing.  They are so comfortable and complimenting.  The only problem is I used them to paint in a few years ago and they have white splotches all over them.  I have tried to find more of them but found it very difficult.  I tried to search for the brand online.  I went back to the store that I got them from and had no luck there.  Now I shall make an attempt to recreate the paper I wrote in English about how to make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwitch.  We were just doing a quick hand written paper over the making of a PB&J only we had to write in third person.  I asked, "So it would be 'one' making the sandwitch?"  She said it does not have to be one.  Well, my creatively twisted mind came up with this.  Enjoy.
Before that, a quote from the awesomly freaky music I am listening to.  "I'm paranoid and you are para-stupid."  Got to love it.  Now, back to business.

How To Make A Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwitch

by Jonathan Upchurch

          If one desires to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwitch, commonly known as the PB&J, with the greatest precision atainable by our human hands, one has but to find The Mystical Land Of PB&J.  The Mystical Land Of PB&J, aptly named for lack of other relavent description, is the only place where the sacred PB&J is made with utter perfectionby none other than the PB&Janites.  Now all one has to do is sit back and watch the profesionals at work.

I will finish later.  I do not feel like it right now.  It may be time to catch up on some sleep.

Bye,

Jonathan

Blah!

Got a hair cut.  Not much.  Not too sure I like it but I had to get rid of the damaged ends before they split.  Last time I grew it out, it was all split and messed up by the time it got there.  I had to cut it off.  Now I am taking care of it.  I miss my hair for now but will probably be ready to get rid of it when it gets here.  Well time to go see Corpse Bride. 

Laters,

Jonathan

haha, pinball kitty? hmmm...alrighty then lmao. so, yea, i'm commenting you back...

-comments-

yay!!!

Okay.  Finally back from the holiday.  It was not that bad, just long.  I am beginning to think that I may be related to my family.  Now that I am older, I can now talk to my grandfather and I learn that I am like someone else in my family.  I agree with his views on life, but not religion.  He also said that I am just like his brother.  It skipped a generation but there is some sanity in my family.

High Fidelity is a good movie.  One movie I watched this week that I have not seen in a long time is, The Goonies.  Can I get a hell yeah?  Another great movie that I can really relate to is Phenomenon.  I am not entirely sure why but I do. 

Here is a song that about sums up my views of the holidays.  Warning!  This is kind of negative.  Sorry but Ha Ha.

Eat Some More-Alice Cooper

Sixty million tons of meat, spoiling in the stinkin' heat, trainloads full of moldy bread, millions will still go unfed, acred full of dying wheat burning brightly at our feet, a billion tons of ocean fish, some with nothing on their dish.
We can't see we're going blind we're just dying on the vine, we're all sinking from the weight, open wide and salivate, do you like the taste, stuff it in your face, it's not nice to waste, we're not happy til we're choking, so we eat some more, throw up on the floor, go back to the store, we're so hungry so pathetic.
Lots fo melting cheddar cheese, spreading its unique disease, rotting veggies on the ground, where little hungry kids are found, worms in fruit an ugly sight, ther're begging for a single bite, our garbage sumps are mountains high, while other people sadly die.

I know I ate too much.  It makes me feel like crap.  I do not feel like crap because I know that some people are out there starving; I feel like crap because I eat more than I can comfortably handle.  There is no point in eating that much.  Why do it?  Tradition.  I don't like tradition, but I am not going to get into that. 

Well I am tired of writing now. 

Bye,

Jonathan

Time for random thoughts.

I should not have done that.

Fuck my health.  That stuff tastes like shit.  It is not worth it.  Now to the second healthiest blend of nutrients.

I need to go running more.

I need more socks.

I need a hair cut.

Spell check does not like cursing.

Babies cry.

Cats stink.

I am getting better at spelling.

I am in a very unsociable mood today.

That is all I have to say about that.

Burry

fancy finding you here. :) brilliant.

anonymous

Why will my thoughts not let me sleep?  I do not have much on my mind.  The little that I do have right now is not even big.  Just many pointless thoughts aimed at everything and nothing at the same time.  I love contradicting myself. 

I want to run away with you.  It will be fun.  What do you say?  Just leave everyone and everything.  Leave no evidence that you were there except for the postcards that shall make their way to those who will worry about you.  Don't know what lies ahead.  Wing it.  Enjoy it.  Live it.

I talk like I would just run away if I found someone to do it with, but I am not to sure that I would.  I have not been faced with the choice.  Maybe one of these days I will do it. 

So there is this girl.  That is all I am going to say about that. 

DEEP THOUGHTS BY JONATHAN UPCHURCH

What is real?  How do we know it is real?  Just because it cannot be proven wrong from out point of view does not mean it is real, does it?  Numbers are easy if you have an open mind.  I mean, they are always the same.  2+2=4 Always.  Right?  Wrong.  Numbers are relative.  You can put a different symbol in and change it all.  You can also change the meaning of =&+.  They are but symbols that we understand to mean something.  They have no meaning in them selves.  You can even change to a base 3 number system and 2+2=11.  Of course, that is considering that the 3 numbers are in sequence 0,1,&2.  Now where as these symbols are relative, the use of them is universal.  Right?  I mean, two cows, are two cows no matter how you label them.  But what if the reality behind the two cows is as inconclusive as the symbols that we use to label them.  What if all that we know to exist is situational?  All of the biology, chemistry, and even physics are dependent on the conditions in which they exist.  I mean it can all be proven.  Right?  Okay.  Say you are doing an experiment.  You consistently get the same results in the same conditions.  You have proven something.  Hooray!  Now try doing that same experiment under different conditions.  You may or may not get different results depending on the conditions.  Say you are testing the reactions of lab rats when they are injected with a certain compound.  You do it to one hundred rats and get the same results every time.  Now will you not get different results if you put the rats in a vacuum.  Will the rat's not react differently?  Of course they will.  You are altering their physical atmosphere.  Now you may be thinking something along the lines of, "That is just what happens.  Science explains what happens to a rat in a vacuum."  But how do we know that our science is ultimate.  To the extent that we are able to examine it, the entire universe follows the same set of physics.  No matter where you go, E=MC2.  What about beyond the universe?  There is no physical properties(theoreticaly) out there.  How can the laws of physics apply where there is no physics.  I know I am going way out there with this but I just wonder.  Now here is something a little closer.  Atoms.  Would properties be the same from an atomic stand point as they are from our position?  They keep discovering smaller and smaller part to the parts to the parts to the atoms.  Or so they say.  I almost seems that there are an infinite amout of divisions in all particals of matter.  It really cannot be proven either way.  I is at least currently beyond our ability.  As is the ability to look beyond our universe.  So how do we know that we are not a scientificaly created existance.  We can alter our physical environment to achieve certain occurances.  How do we know that the physical properties we possess were not created in a much larger set of physics.  One beyond our comprehension.  If you can prove me wrong, please do.  Untill then, I will just have faith in the Creator.  The one we call God.  What ever he may be.  What ever we may be.  I do not know.  That is why I have faith.  I have faith in something greater than me because there is nothing else in this place worth having faith in. 

Laters,

Jonathan

I really do not know what to say.  Had a fun night last night. Crazy times.  Annoying the boss, pissing off campus security, and just having an all around good time.  I love LCU student.  Especialy the ones in theatre.  Not too thrilled with their programs...and rules.  How are you going to have a giant bronze Road Runner or "Chap" out in the open and not want people to ride on it.  Oh well, I did it.  That is all that counts. 

I am sick of work.  I requested off over a month ago for the Thanksgiving week so I could see my grandfather in San Antonio.  I reminded them a week before and the day the schedule was made.  And guess what.  Apparently a request off means I can work a double.  Stupid fuckers.  That is not all.  I went in today to unload the truck and they tell me that it came yesterday.  Thanks for calling me moron.  Needless to say, I am looking for a new job.  One that pays better.  One that the boss is not a blooming Idiot.  I know I am not being very nice, but hot water is hot water no matter how fast it comes out of the fosset.  That is all I got to say about that.

Well, I have decided I need to humble myself.  God has blessed me beyond imagination with intelegence, good looks, and a charming personality, and what do I do?  I use it for my glory.  I didn't even stop to thank God.  Thank you Lord.  I wish I could just live a Christ like life, but I can not.  That is why Jesus did it.  Life would be so much easier if I would just do it right the first time.  It is hard.  Imposible actualy.  Thank God for Jesus.  Thank Jesus for his love.  Okay, now I am rambling. 

Laters,

Jonathan

Man, that God guy, He's great!  Ain''e?

I love this album.  Througout the whole thing it talks about the life cycle of a Salientia(Anura) commonly known as the frog.  They also rock, and have some great lyrics.  Lovely little side note. 

Laters,

Jonathan

This is a great video.  So educational, but not for virgin ears though. 

http://funnyjunk.com/pages/history.htm

Maybe one of these days I will grow up.  Cut my hair, Never mind.  I love my hair.  I hate those preppy girls that say, "You're cute.  You just need to cut your hair and get some Abercrombie."  My answer is alway, "No I don't.  I don't like you. 

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

I'm not freaky enough to fit in with the sycho people, thank God.  But I don't conform enough to sociotal standards to be "normal", again, thank God. 

Thanksgiving holiday is coming up.  I love my family, but it would be nice to do something differnent for the holiday.  The only problem is, there is nobody to do it with.  If any of you want to go against the grain, let me know.  I am open to meeting new people. 

I may be wrong, but are you not supposed to come back from a church retreat feeling spiritually uplifted?

Not always. Harsh, but true...

We aren't meant to constantly be spiritually uplifted by people or lesson plans and the such. That would be like... Me being 'spiritually uplifted' every morning in chapel! It just isn't possible. There are days that when the speaker is finished, I have to sit there and really process what was said and take it with me all day, but most of the time it's a "meh, it was something I did before that one class" thing.

What I find tha takes my spiritual breath away the most is just sitting in silence, taking the time to really listen to God in a place where I can look around and see the beauty He's set aside for us all to enjoy while we're here. I find those moments to be so much more spiritually uplifting than church or retreats or emotionally envoked speakers.

Hope I didn't get too "preachy",
`Tracy

My heart says hold her,

My mind says know her,

My soul says love her,

And my flesh, well you know what that says.

I say, "Where is she?,

Who is she?,

Is she??????"

That's deep.

`Tracy

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?  IS IT ME OR IS IT YOU?  IS IT HIM OR IS IT HER?  OR PERHAPS IT IS ALL OF YOU?

I can't figure it out.  I feel...I don't know how to describe it.  I feel like I don't belong here.  Like a foreigner to this world.  I feel happy in my self sufficient solidarity but sad in my loneliness.  I don't understand this strange feeling.  It is like a battle going on inside my head, inside my heart, inside my soul. It's a battle of one.  A battle in which I am the enemy and the ally.  My shots can but penetrate me, and mine myself as well.  Both sides fight with tranquilizers though.  One my be winning but that is only because the other is asleep.  But it will awaken and the brawl goes on and on and on.  No end, no underdog, no hope.  Both sides equally equipped, and no divine spark on either side.  No reason to pick one side over the other.  Now that I think of it, I don't even know what the fighting is about, I just feel the collateral damage.  Sometimes I think I should see a shrink and let them decide the outcome of the battle.  But what if I don't like it.  What if I like the struggle.  I like the indecision.  Why?  I don't know, but I do.  But I don't.  Oh well, another day goes by.  Just another day closer to the sweet release of death.  Do you know where you will go.  I like to say I do, but what do we really know.  Now time to retreat into a state of sleep and enter a world where life has no consequence.  I fare thee well fellow prisoners of this so called reality.  Until our presences collide again.